No Blue Drinks

More Proof That Lindsay Lohan Is A Vampire

2007-07-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

Once again, Lindsay Lohan was arrested whilst racing madly through the streets of LA at 430am. Does no one get it? SHE WAS TRYING TO BEAT THE SUN!

She had to make a break for it, because she was a long way from her underground bunker and as soon as the sun came up she would be reduced to a pile of ashes.

They say her blood alcohol level was .12 or something, but did anyone think about the fact that it was probably because she had gotten some poor slob drunk in a bar and then drank his blood?

No, of course not. I am the only person that knows the truth.

Here is the real mug shot of Lindsay when she was arrested. Anything else you have seen has been photoshopped.

Donna Always Knew That The Bats And The Ants Wanted Her Grapes. It Was NOT A Phobia.

2007-07-06T00:06:00.001-05:00

Artist's Rendering Of Lindsay Lohan Being Slapped In The Face By A Sturgeon

2007-07-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Hit In The Face With A Sturgeon

2007-07-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

From the "Why I Don't Want To Live In Florida" files comes this bizarre piece of info. This is courtesy of the International Herald Tribune, but has been widely reported elsewhere as well.

"It may seem bizarre, but it is no joke. Leaping sturgeon have injured three people on the Suwannee so far this year, including a woman on a Jet Ski and a girl whose leg was shattered when one of the big fish jumped aboard her boat. Eight others were hit last year, and with traffic growing on the storied river, sturgeon are joining alligators and hurricanes on the list of things to dread in Florida.

"These injuries are very impressive," said Lawrence Lottenberg, director of trauma surgery at the University of Florida College of Medicine in nearby Gainesville. "You've got people sitting on the front of an open boat, and the boat is going 20, 30, 40 miles per hour. The fish jumps up and usually slaps these people right across their face and upper chest. Almost every one of them, universally, has been knocked unconscious. If you're not wearing a life jacket, you're going to fall in the water and potentially drown."

So, you are out with your friends for a day on the river, you have a few beers, it's sunny and bright. You're laughing and chatting, maybe singing along to the radio, and suddenly you are slapped across the face and chest by a flying sturgeon.

I looked up sturgeons. They are up to 8 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs. They are relics of the dinosaur era, and have armor plating. Even better. You are not just slapped across the face with a fish, you are slapped across the face with an 8-foot, 200 lb dinosaur fish with armor plating.

I thought about this for awhile, and I decided that there is only one way that this whole thing could be turned into a positive event.

It could happen to Lindsay Lohan.

Wouldn't that just be karmic justice at its finest? Lindsay Lohan, coked up, drunk , racing her newly acquired speed boat down the Suwanee River, when suddenly she is slapped across the face and chest and rendered unconscious by a flying sturgeon.

I can picture it now. She'd be all, like, "Woo..Wooo...Hey guys! Watch me race this baby! Have I told you how much I hate Paris Hilton? Man that bitch got what she deserved..jail was too good for her...If I saw her now I would tell her......."

Blam! Sturgeon right across the face.

Of course, Lindsay wouldn't drown. It is a well know fact that witches and other supernatural creatures can't drown. But wait! The speeding incident would have to be at night. Because Lindsay is a vampire! So it would have to be a night sturgeon.

I'll bet sturgeon don't sleep, so it is possible. I hope it isn't a day sturgeon because then the accident victim would be the reanimated corpse of Lindsay's long dead twin, in which case the sturgeon would probably knock her head clear off and then the title of this story would have to be "It's All Fun And Games Until The Reanimated Corpse Of Your Long Dead Twin Has Her Head Knocked Off By A Sturgeon"

Best Parody Of An 80's Video Ever

2007-06-18T21:29:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Tries Revenge On No Blue Drinks By Threatening Miss Bulgaria

2007-06-06T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today No Blue Drinks received this disturbing photo from Vampire/Drunken Slut Lindsay Lohan. It appears that with us having learned her secret (shhhh! She's a vampire!) , she is now trying to intimidate us by threatening our beloved Miss Bulgaria.

Miss Lohan, you will not win! We will fight you!

Be brave Miss Bulgaria! Be Brave!

We will free you. The forces of night will not prevail.

This Is How Lindsay Looked Just A few Minutes Before Her Friends Cleaned Her Up A Bit And The Other Picture Was Taken

2007-06-03T07:41:00.001-05:00

Lindsay Lohan, Just Before Dawn

2007-06-03T07:02:00.001-05:00

All she needs to do is cross her arms and hands over her chest in the classic "Vampire Resting Pose" before they close the cover.

Lindsay Is Back In Rehab And/Or The Reanimated Corpse Of Her Long-Dead Twin Needed A Limb Stitched Back On

2007-05-31T00:36:00.000-05:00

News reports say that Lindsay Lohan is "back in rehab". So not true.

This is obviously just another attempt to distract the press from the fact that Lindsay is currently building a sun-proof bunker 500 feet below the beaches of SoCal to protect her increasingly fragile vampire body from sun (and possibly wind) damage.

LA doesn't know what's coming. While Lindsay's Twin's Reanimated Corpse is running around pretending to be Lindsay, checking into rehab, winking at Dina The Werewolf behind reporters' backs, and plotting in her reanimated mind how she is going to become Lindsay PERMANENTLY, the real Lindsay is laying the groundwork for the total annihilation of all who have defied Her.

By utter coincidence, I happened to receive in the mail today a copy of a video that Lindsay made depicting what she plans to do in every LA nightclub. Starting with any club that admitted Paris Hilton.

Watch as Lindsay's Training Video shows how she will enter a nightclub, gobble up body parts, and set everyone on fire as she exits.

I'm Back, And You Can Thank Lindsay Lohan

2007-05-27T06:09:00.000-05:00

In spite of the fact that our house is still only about 50% put together, and in spite of the fact that I am working not one, not two, but three jobs, all of which want me to work this weekend, I simply cannot resist commenting on this:

From USA Today - "Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said. Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Mike Foxen said."

And so, Miss Lohan's special car-crashing abilities come into play again. For those of you not in the know, Lindsay crashes cars about every three or four days. She also apparently never sleeps, as these crashes always seem to happen just when the sun is about to come up.

Which is what tipped me off. You see, the police were fooled into believing that Lindsay crashed her car because of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured out the truth. Lindsay Lohan crashed her car because she was going as fast as she could so she could beat the sun.

Lindsay Lohan is a vampire.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She is always zooming around LA at 4am, she always shows up "late" for movie shoots, just as the sun is going down. She is photographed over and over in the middle of the night. She never seems to eat. Have you ever seen a photo of Lindsay eating pizza or pork chops? Neither have I.

Even her hysteria of being photographed makes sense. Vampires are notoriously paranoid, and Lindsay probably hasn't realized that amazing strides in digital photography means that she will actually show up in pictures. I am sure she still a bit traumatized by the events of 1898 when Paris street photographers displayed pictures of Lindsay's empty bustle-skirt and shirtwaist exiting the Moulin Rouge at 5am. This also explains why she is constantly doing really stupid things in front of a camera. She is probably all like "Hey, I'm not going to show up in the photo anyway so why not hike up my skirt and flip them off?"

The coke and the booze are clever ruses to deceive America. She isn't drunk or high, she needs to get home before the sun turns her into a pile of ashes.

The one thing I don't get is I have seen many pics of Lindsay at the beach. Vampires don't like the beach, what with the sun trying to turn them into a pile of ashes and all. So I have to assume that the necromancer/alchemist Lindsay slept with in 1363 owes her a favor and has reanimated the corpse of her twin sister who died in 1375 of The Pox.

And so, I have solved the riddle that is Lindsay Lohan. She is a centuries-old nightclubbing vampire whose reanimated corpse of a twin sister sometimes impersonates her in order to fool you, the American public.

Now I have to figure out what is up with Dina. I'm thinking werewolf, but I have to do some more research. I'll keep you posted.

Sorry About The Lack Of Posts But We Are Moving And It Is A Royal Pain In The Ass

2007-05-24T05:28:00.000-05:00

Ick. Double ick.

I hope to be back in action blogging away after this weekend.

For All You Business Gals

2007-05-09T17:40:00.001-05:00

Day After Derby!

2007-05-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

Well, the weather held off and the infield did not become a huge mud pit. The Queen did not get to watch girls in shorty-shorts roll about mud wrestling. I think this is for the best.

A horse called Street Sense zoomed up at the last minute and won. Nobody had even mentioned Street Sense until then. I guess if you had placed a bet on him then you would now be semi-rich. Or maybe not. I don't understand horse betting stuff.

I do know, however, that My Chemical Horse-Pants won the Derby In My Head this year.

If you betted (sp? real word?) a lot of imaginary money on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you are now officially an imaginary millionaire. You can quit your job, if you have one, you can sell your car, if you have one, you can tell your friends to drop dead, if you have any.

Basically, by betting in your head on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you can have anything you want. As long as it is in your head.

Derby!

2007-05-05T06:48:00.000-05:00

I am on the scene at the Kentucky Derby. I am going to watch the Derby on TV this afternoon. The weather is horrible. It is rainy and there are going to be thunderstorms. This means that the infield (the section open to the general public) will turn into a giant mud pit and the drunken frat boys and their gal pals will decide to have a mud fight. So pretty. So classy.

This year Queen Elizabeth will be here. She will be wearing a Derby Hat, but everyone is keeping what it looks like a big secret. Since Queen Elizabeth wears a Derby Hat everyday I am not sure how we will know that it is a special Derby Hat and not just some hat that she wore on her state visit to Uzbekistan and decided was too good to give to the Goodwill. I mean, Americans don’t keep track of this sort of thing. Wouldn’t it be horrible if Americans were thrilled to see the Queen in her Derby Hat, but behind our backs the Brits were snickering and saying “Stupid Yanks! That’s the hat she wore at the grand opening of Harrod’s Tashkent!”

I am also worried about the Queen seeing the infield mudfight. This will not make a good impression.

Last night was the Barnstable Brown party. It is the number one Derby Party to go to. Cybill Shepherd was there and Jenny McCarthy, too. But the star last night was new celebrity and hometown boy Larry Birkhead, who actually met Anna Nicole at the same party four years ago. He is moving back here with the baby to be closer to his family.

Kid Rock is always here as well, but Pamela Anderson won’t come anymore because we eat chicken.

So what are my plans for the day? Well, first of all I have to find someone to drink bourbon with. None of my Kentucky friends like bourbon. I would like to have one mint julep, in a Derby cup, as is proper. After all, the Derby is all about tradition.

And speaking of tradition, there is another tradition to consider. I don’t bet on horses, and I never know the names of the horses that are running, so every year I make up my own horses and bet in my head. Here is this year’s roster.

1. Does That Hurt?

2. Stephanie’s Boil

3. Licky Lou

4. No You Din’t

5. Paternity Test

6. It’s Just A Cold

7. Hamster Wheel

8. Clive and Jasmine

9. Maybe Later

10. My Chemical Horse-pants

11. Sneeze Guard

12. Not Here You Won’t

13. Judy’s Snickerdoodles

14. Pastalicious

15. Horse Brutality

Now I would like to summarize my thesis. Although there are 20 horses in the real Derby, I stopped my list at 15. That is because my horse names are not real. The Derby In My Head can have as many or as few horses as I want, after all.

In summary, this was a blog posting about the Kentucky Derby. Every year there are two Derbys: one real, one pretend. I leave it up to the reader to decide which is best.

And They're Off!

2007-04-26T04:20:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! It's Derby in Louisville. It's a lot like Mardi Gras.

We will all be drunk for the next week and a half.

The best part is that I AM BEING PAID to host a bar at the Derby Festival. I get as many free drinks as I want. My job is to be fun and entertaining and witty. I might be up to the task.

Plus, this weekend I am flying to Chicago for Joe's big 30.

And, Aaron arrives in Louisville on Saturday. He is moving here which is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

It's actually pretty amazing how Louisville just grinds to a halt because of Derby. Every job I've applied for, every contact, every group I volunteer with has said "We'll get back to you after Derby". And they mean it.

So, just remember. It's Derby in Louisville. Any phone call you get from Kentucky will be a drink-and-dial.

You have been warned.

And "Phantom Of The Paradise" Comes Up Again

2007-04-24T23:29:00.000-05:00

Great Song. Great Movie. What more can I say?

Quote Of The Day, From A Wikipedia Article About Xena: Warrior Princess, Who Is My Role Model In LIfe

2007-04-18T03:08:00.000-05:00

" Alti lured Xena toward greater evil with promises that she would become the Destroyer of Nations"

This works for me. I can be lured pretty much anywhere as long as I get to be the "Destroyer Of Nations". I will start with England. I have never much cared for London. And my ancestors are mostly Irish and Welsh. So we hate the Brits. I am not sure how I will Destroy England. I am assuming that I have been given some sort of super-power. Maybe fire comes out of my eyes.

Oh! No! I am going to Destroy England by making water not boil. That will mean that they will no longer be able to cook food, and they will die.

Ha!

And I will abolish crumpets. And jam.

Are You A Superchick?

2007-04-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

At first I thought this was a hoax. Aaron sent it to me, and I thought he was tricking me. But I did some internet research and discovered that this is a real trailer for a very real movie. A movie I want to see. A movie I want to own.

This Is A Really Cool Video

2007-04-16T23:36:00.001-05:00

Quote Of The Day: "The Only Gay In The Village"

2007-04-16T09:44:00.000-05:00

"I come from a small valley in Wales and it just wasn’t the thing to do to be gay. It’s a bit of a cliche — but I was the only gay in the village.”

- Ian Watkins (of Steps)

Apparently I Have Weird Dreams...

2007-04-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

...Because according to David I woke him up early this morning with the following statement:

"The helicopters go woo! woo! and the people have to hold their hats. Some of them are going to meetings and some of them are going to dinner."

So insightful. So thoughtful.

Just A Random Video

2007-04-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

I really like Kylie Minogue. So here is a random Kylie video.....

Some More Restored Houses That Are Similar To Ours

2007-04-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

Here are some more examples of what people have done with houses built around the same time as ours. 1920 was an awkward time. Half of the US was still firmly Victorian, and the other half was all modern. Our house is a perfect example of the era. The outside is Victorian, the bathrooms are Victorian, but the floorplan is very 1920's modern. The neighborhood is more Victorian, so I imagine someone in 1920 built this house to be the envy of all of their neighbors, what with its modern amenities and such (indoor toilet, central heat, modern floorplan), but they weren't quite so confident as to build a true bungalow, or any sort of Frank Lloyd Wrightish modern nonsense.

So they built a comfortably familiar exterior, and even though they added indoor plumbing they installed a clawfoot tub, which is still in the downstairs bathroom.

Pretty fun.

From what I have read, this architectural style died out right after 1920.

And yes, we are going to put the railing back on the porch and the steps. And shutters on the windows. Sadly, someone put un-paintable vinyl siding on parts of the house, so painting a lovely wan 1920's color is impossible. So now we need input as to white/color schemes. I like white body/black trim or white body/green trim. David leans towards plums/reds/purples for trim.

Please feel free to express an opinion!

Our New House

2007-04-08T07:31:00.000-05:00

This is our new house. Although it was built in 1920, architecturally it is part of the late Victorian "Dutch Colonial Revival" style. Note the really great columns. We are going to try to restore the exterior to its original colors and details. I've done some research and most of these houses were painted pale yellow or green, with dark contrasting trims. They also usually had a railing around the porch between the columns. Here is an example of a restored house from the same time period:The new house is technically in Germantown, although it is only about a block away from Original Highlands. For those of you who have been to visit, we are a block or two behind Lynn's Paradise Cafe.

I'm Going To Chicago!

2007-04-07T07:22:00.000-05:00

Joe is turning 30 at the end of this month, and Lastenia and Joe are buying me for a present. Well, not me, really. They have graciously purchased an airline ticket on Southwest for me so that I can go to Joe's 30th birthday bash.

It is a lovely and generous gift, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.