No Blue Drinks

More Proof That Lindsay Lohan Is A Vampire

2007-07-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

Once again, Lindsay Lohan was arrested whilst racing madly through the streets of LA at 430am. Does no one get it? SHE WAS TRYING TO BEAT THE SUN!

She had to make a break for it, because she was a long way from her underground bunker and as soon as the sun came up she would be reduced to a pile of ashes.

They say her blood alcohol level was .12 or something, but did anyone think about the fact that it was probably because she had gotten some poor slob drunk in a bar and then drank his blood?

No, of course not. I am the only person that knows the truth.

Here is the real mug shot of Lindsay when she was arrested. Anything else you have seen has been photoshopped.

Donna Always Knew That The Bats And The Ants Wanted Her Grapes. It Was NOT A Phobia.

2007-07-06T00:06:00.001-05:00

Artist's Rendering Of Lindsay Lohan Being Slapped In The Face By A Sturgeon

2007-07-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Hit In The Face With A Sturgeon

2007-07-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

From the "Why I Don't Want To Live In Florida" files comes this bizarre piece of info. This is courtesy of the International Herald Tribune, but has been widely reported elsewhere as well.

"It may seem bizarre, but it is no joke. Leaping sturgeon have injured three people on the Suwannee so far this year, including a woman on a Jet Ski and a girl whose leg was shattered when one of the big fish jumped aboard her boat. Eight others were hit last year, and with traffic growing on the storied river, sturgeon are joining alligators and hurricanes on the list of things to dread in Florida.

"These injuries are very impressive," said Lawrence Lottenberg, director of trauma surgery at the University of Florida College of Medicine in nearby Gainesville. "You've got people sitting on the front of an open boat, and the boat is going 20, 30, 40 miles per hour. The fish jumps up and usually slaps these people right across their face and upper chest. Almost every one of them, universally, has been knocked unconscious. If you're not wearing a life jacket, you're going to fall in the water and potentially drown."

So, you are out with your friends for a day on the river, you have a few beers, it's sunny and bright. You're laughing and chatting, maybe singing along to the radio, and suddenly you are slapped across the face and chest by a flying sturgeon.

I looked up sturgeons. They are up to 8 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs. They are relics of the dinosaur era, and have armor plating. Even better. You are not just slapped across the face with a fish, you are slapped across the face with an 8-foot, 200 lb dinosaur fish with armor plating.

I thought about this for awhile, and I decided that there is only one way that this whole thing could be turned into a positive event.

It could happen to Lindsay Lohan.

Wouldn't that just be karmic justice at its finest? Lindsay Lohan, coked up, drunk , racing her newly acquired speed boat down the Suwanee River, when suddenly she is slapped across the face and chest and rendered unconscious by a flying sturgeon.

I can picture it now. She'd be all, like, "Woo..Wooo...Hey guys! Watch me race this baby! Have I told you how much I hate Paris Hilton? Man that bitch got what she deserved..jail was too good for her...If I saw her now I would tell her......."

Blam! Sturgeon right across the face.

Of course, Lindsay wouldn't drown. It is a well know fact that witches and other supernatural creatures can't drown. But wait! The speeding incident would have to be at night. Because Lindsay is a vampire! So it would have to be a night sturgeon.

I'll bet sturgeon don't sleep, so it is possible. I hope it isn't a day sturgeon because then the accident victim would be the reanimated corpse of Lindsay's long dead twin, in which case the sturgeon would probably knock her head clear off and then the title of this story would have to be "It's All Fun And Games Until The Reanimated Corpse Of Your Long Dead Twin Has Her Head Knocked Off By A Sturgeon"

Best Parody Of An 80's Video Ever

2007-06-18T21:29:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Tries Revenge On No Blue Drinks By Threatening Miss Bulgaria

2007-06-06T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today No Blue Drinks received this disturbing photo from Vampire/Drunken Slut Lindsay Lohan. It appears that with us having learned her secret (shhhh! She's a vampire!) , she is now trying to intimidate us by threatening our beloved Miss Bulgaria.

Miss Lohan, you will not win! We will fight you!

Be brave Miss Bulgaria! Be Brave!

We will free you. The forces of night will not prevail.

This Is How Lindsay Looked Just A few Minutes Before Her Friends Cleaned Her Up A Bit And The Other Picture Was Taken

2007-06-03T07:41:00.001-05:00

Lindsay Lohan, Just Before Dawn

2007-06-03T07:02:00.001-05:00

All she needs to do is cross her arms and hands over her chest in the classic "Vampire Resting Pose" before they close the cover.

Lindsay Is Back In Rehab And/Or The Reanimated Corpse Of Her Long-Dead Twin Needed A Limb Stitched Back On

2007-05-31T00:36:00.000-05:00

News reports say that Lindsay Lohan is "back in rehab". So not true.

This is obviously just another attempt to distract the press from the fact that Lindsay is currently building a sun-proof bunker 500 feet below the beaches of SoCal to protect her increasingly fragile vampire body from sun (and possibly wind) damage.

LA doesn't know what's coming. While Lindsay's Twin's Reanimated Corpse is running around pretending to be Lindsay, checking into rehab, winking at Dina The Werewolf behind reporters' backs, and plotting in her reanimated mind how she is going to become Lindsay PERMANENTLY, the real Lindsay is laying the groundwork for the total annihilation of all who have defied Her.

By utter coincidence, I happened to receive in the mail today a copy of a video that Lindsay made depicting what she plans to do in every LA nightclub. Starting with any club that admitted Paris Hilton.

Watch as Lindsay's Training Video shows how she will enter a nightclub, gobble up body parts, and set everyone on fire as she exits.

I'm Back, And You Can Thank Lindsay Lohan

2007-05-27T06:09:00.000-05:00

In spite of the fact that our house is still only about 50% put together, and in spite of the fact that I am working not one, not two, but three jobs, all of which want me to work this weekend, I simply cannot resist commenting on this:

From USA Today - "Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said. Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Mike Foxen said."

And so, Miss Lohan's special car-crashing abilities come into play again. For those of you not in the know, Lindsay crashes cars about every three or four days. She also apparently never sleeps, as these crashes always seem to happen just when the sun is about to come up.

Which is what tipped me off. You see, the police were fooled into believing that Lindsay crashed her car because of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured out the truth. Lindsay Lohan crashed her car because she was going as fast as she could so she could beat the sun.

Lindsay Lohan is a vampire.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She is always zooming around LA at 4am, she always shows up "late" for movie shoots, just as the sun is going down. She is photographed over and over in the middle of the night. She never seems to eat. Have you ever seen a photo of Lindsay eating pizza or pork chops? Neither have I.

Even her hysteria of being photographed makes sense. Vampires are notoriously paranoid, and Lindsay probably hasn't realized that amazing strides in digital photography means that she will actually show up in pictures. I am sure she still a bit traumatized by the events of 1898 when Paris street photographers displayed pictures of Lindsay's empty bustle-skirt and shirtwaist exiting the Moulin Rouge at 5am. This also explains why she is constantly doing really stupid things in front of a camera. She is probably all like "Hey, I'm not going to show up in the photo anyway so why not hike up my skirt and flip them off?"

The coke and the booze are clever ruses to deceive America. She isn't drunk or high, she needs to get home before the sun turns her into a pile of ashes.

The one thing I don't get is I have seen many pics of Lindsay at the beach. Vampires don't like the beach, what with the sun trying to turn them into a pile of ashes and all. So I have to assume that the necromancer/alchemist Lindsay slept with in 1363 owes her a favor and has reanimated the corpse of her twin sister who died in 1375 of The Pox.

And so, I have solved the riddle that is Lindsay Lohan. She is a centuries-old nightclubbing vampire whose reanimated corpse of a twin sister sometimes impersonates her in order to fool you, the American public.

Now I have to figure out what is up with Dina. I'm thinking werewolf, but I have to do some more research. I'll keep you posted.

Sorry About The Lack Of Posts But We Are Moving And It Is A Royal Pain In The Ass

2007-05-24T05:28:00.000-05:00

Ick. Double ick.

I hope to be back in action blogging away after this weekend.

For All You Business Gals

2007-05-09T17:40:00.001-05:00

Day After Derby!

2007-05-06T17:46:00.000-05:00

Well, the weather held off and the infield did not become a huge mud pit. The Queen did not get to watch girls in shorty-shorts roll about mud wrestling. I think this is for the best.

A horse called Street Sense zoomed up at the last minute and won. Nobody had even mentioned Street Sense until then. I guess if you had placed a bet on him then you would now be semi-rich. Or maybe not. I don't understand horse betting stuff.

I do know, however, that My Chemical Horse-Pants won the Derby In My Head this year.

If you betted (sp? real word?) a lot of imaginary money on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you are now officially an imaginary millionaire. You can quit your job, if you have one, you can sell your car, if you have one, you can tell your friends to drop dead, if you have any.

Basically, by betting in your head on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you can have anything you want. As long as it is in your head.

Derby!

2007-05-05T06:48:00.000-05:00

I am on the scene at the Kentucky Derby. I am going to watch the Derby on TV this afternoon. The weather is horrible. It is rainy and there are going to be thunderstorms. This means that the infield (the section open to the general public) will turn into a giant mud pit and the drunken frat boys and their gal pals will decide to have a mud fight. So pretty. So classy.

This year Queen Elizabeth will be here. She will be wearing a Derby Hat, but everyone is keeping what it looks like a big secret. Since Queen Elizabeth wears a Derby Hat everyday I am not sure how we will know that it is a special Derby Hat and not just some hat that she wore on her state visit to Uzbekistan and decided was too good to give to the Goodwill. I mean, Americans don’t keep track of this sort of thing. Wouldn’t it be horrible if Americans were thrilled to see the Queen in her Derby Hat, but behind our backs the Brits were snickering and saying “Stupid Yanks! That’s the hat she wore at the grand opening of Harrod’s Tashkent!”

I am also worried about the Queen seeing the infield mudfight. This will not make a good impression.

Last night was the Barnstable Brown party. It is the number one Derby Party to go to. Cybill Shepherd was there and Jenny McCarthy, too. But the star last night was new celebrity and hometown boy Larry Birkhead, who actually met Anna Nicole at the same party four years ago. He is moving back here with the baby to be closer to his family.

Kid Rock is always here as well, but Pamela Anderson won’t come anymore because we eat chicken.

So what are my plans for the day? Well, first of all I have to find someone to drink bourbon with. None of my Kentucky friends like bourbon. I would like to have one mint julep, in a Derby cup, as is proper. After all, the Derby is all about tradition.

And speaking of tradition, there is another tradition to consider. I don’t bet on horses, and I never know the names of the horses that are running, so every year I make up my own horses and bet in my head. Here is this year’s roster.

1. Does That Hurt?

2. Stephanie’s Boil

3. Licky Lou

4. No You Din’t

5. Paternity Test

6. It’s Just A Cold

7. Hamster Wheel

8. Clive and Jasmine

9. Maybe Later

10. My Chemical Horse-pants

11. Sneeze Guard

12. Not Here You Won’t

13. Judy’s Snickerdoodles

14. Pastalicious

15. Horse Brutality

Now I would like to summarize my thesis. Although there are 20 horses in the real Derby, I stopped my list at 15. That is because my horse names are not real. The Derby In My Head can have as many or as few horses as I want, after all.

In summary, this was a blog posting about the Kentucky Derby. Every year there are two Derbys: one real, one pretend. I leave it up to the reader to decide which is best.

And They're Off!

2007-04-26T04:20:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! It's Derby in Louisville. It's a lot like Mardi Gras.

We will all be drunk for the next week and a half.

The best part is that I AM BEING PAID to host a bar at the Derby Festival. I get as many free drinks as I want. My job is to be fun and entertaining and witty. I might be up to the task.

Plus, this weekend I am flying to Chicago for Joe's big 30.

And, Aaron arrives in Louisville on Saturday. He is moving here which is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

It's actually pretty amazing how Louisville just grinds to a halt because of Derby. Every job I've applied for, every contact, every group I volunteer with has said "We'll get back to you after Derby". And they mean it.

So, just remember. It's Derby in Louisville. Any phone call you get from Kentucky will be a drink-and-dial.

You have been warned.

And "Phantom Of The Paradise" Comes Up Again

2007-04-24T23:29:00.000-05:00

Great Song. Great Movie. What more can I say?

Quote Of The Day, From A Wikipedia Article About Xena: Warrior Princess, Who Is My Role Model In LIfe

2007-04-18T03:08:00.000-05:00

" Alti lured Xena toward greater evil with promises that she would become the Destroyer of Nations"

This works for me. I can be lured pretty much anywhere as long as I get to be the "Destroyer Of Nations". I will start with England. I have never much cared for London. And my ancestors are mostly Irish and Welsh. So we hate the Brits. I am not sure how I will Destroy England. I am assuming that I have been given some sort of super-power. Maybe fire comes out of my eyes.

Oh! No! I am going to Destroy England by making water not boil. That will mean that they will no longer be able to cook food, and they will die.

Ha!

And I will abolish crumpets. And jam.

Are You A Superchick?

2007-04-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

At first I thought this was a hoax. Aaron sent it to me, and I thought he was tricking me. But I did some internet research and discovered that this is a real trailer for a very real movie. A movie I want to see. A movie I want to own.

This Is A Really Cool Video

2007-04-16T23:36:00.001-05:00

Quote Of The Day: "The Only Gay In The Village"

2007-04-16T09:44:00.000-05:00

"I come from a small valley in Wales and it just wasn’t the thing to do to be gay. It’s a bit of a cliche — but I was the only gay in the village.”

- Ian Watkins (of Steps)

Apparently I Have Weird Dreams...

2007-04-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

...Because according to David I woke him up early this morning with the following statement:

"The helicopters go woo! woo! and the people have to hold their hats. Some of them are going to meetings and some of them are going to dinner."

So insightful. So thoughtful.

Just A Random Video

2007-04-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

I really like Kylie Minogue. So here is a random Kylie video.....

Some More Restored Houses That Are Similar To Ours

2007-04-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

Here are some more examples of what people have done with houses built around the same time as ours. 1920 was an awkward time. Half of the US was still firmly Victorian, and the other half was all modern. Our house is a perfect example of the era. The outside is Victorian, the bathrooms are Victorian, but the floorplan is very 1920's modern. The neighborhood is more Victorian, so I imagine someone in 1920 built this house to be the envy of all of their neighbors, what with its modern amenities and such (indoor toilet, central heat, modern floorplan), but they weren't quite so confident as to build a true bungalow, or any sort of Frank Lloyd Wrightish modern nonsense.

So they built a comfortably familiar exterior, and even though they added indoor plumbing they installed a clawfoot tub, which is still in the downstairs bathroom.

Pretty fun.

From what I have read, this architectural style died out right after 1920.

And yes, we are going to put the railing back on the porch and the steps. And shutters on the windows. Sadly, someone put un-paintable vinyl siding on parts of the house, so painting a lovely wan 1920's color is impossible. So now we need input as to white/color schemes. I like white body/black trim or white body/green trim. David leans towards plums/reds/purples for trim.

Please feel free to express an opinion!

Our New House

2007-04-08T07:31:00.000-05:00

This is our new house. Although it was built in 1920, architecturally it is part of the late Victorian "Dutch Colonial Revival" style. Note the really great columns. We are going to try to restore the exterior to its original colors and details. I've done some research and most of these houses were painted pale yellow or green, with dark contrasting trims. They also usually had a railing around the porch between the columns. Here is an example of a restored house from the same time period:The new house is technically in Germantown, although it is only about a block away from Original Highlands. For those of you who have been to visit, we are a block or two behind Lynn's Paradise Cafe.

I'm Going To Chicago!

2007-04-07T07:22:00.000-05:00

Joe is turning 30 at the end of this month, and Lastenia and Joe are buying me for a present. Well, not me, really. They have graciously purchased an airline ticket on Southwest for me so that I can go to Joe's 30th birthday bash.

It is a lovely and generous gift, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

Ik Hou Van Belgie

2007-04-07T00:11:00.001-05:00

It's Official! My Dear Friend Aaron Zweigle Is Moving To....

2007-04-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

LOUISVILLE, KY!!!! Yay! He should be here by the end of the month at the latest.

Best news I've had in months.....

This is Aaron, for those who have never met him.

2007-03-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

And Again, The Future We Were Promised. But It's OK, Because I have My Personal Jetpack. Oh, No. I Don't.

2007-03-29T19:15:00.000-05:00

Miami Go Go!

2007-03-26T22:16:00.001-05:00

2007-03-26T20:43:00.001-05:00

2007-03-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

Quote Of The Day

2007-03-26T12:21:00.000-05:00

"She's in such a whirlwind; she's in a tornado. I mean, we're talking serious earthquake, you know?"

-Dina Lohan, commenting on daughter Lindsay

Let's Meet And Have A Baby, Now

2007-03-24T08:16:00.000-05:00

And Now...Dream Hospital

2007-03-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

Truly a miracle of modern technology! I am especially fond of "baby in a drawer."

House Of The Future

2007-03-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'll bet you didn't know that the house of the future would be made of plexiglass. Also, the house of the future will have a "poison shelf". Another thing you didn't know.

In Addition

2007-03-19T07:22:00.000-05:00

That video makes me think of Chicago. Chicago has totally gothic architecture. And I have actually been in that rain storm in Chicago, with the lake looking just like that.

Within Temptation

2007-03-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

So, Rhys made me realize that this is the greatest band ever. I'm serious, the best.

2007-03-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

2007-03-18T07:35:00.000-05:00

2007-03-18T07:34:00.000-05:00

Quote Of The Day

2007-03-18T07:33:00.001-05:00

"Why does everyone keep telling me I have to take care of Britney? Britney, Britney, Britney! She's an ex girlfriend! Doesn't anyone get it? 'We're not together anymore. I am so totally over her!"

- Justin Timberlake

2007-03-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

2007-03-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Yma Sumac, Again

2007-03-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

A Picture Of Yma Sumac

2007-03-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

I Love Yma Sumac

2007-03-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

But until today, I did not know that her real name is:

Zoila Augusta Emperatriz Chávarri del Castillo.

Way better than Yma Sumac, in my opinion.

When Was Flying Fun?

2007-03-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

When it used be a cocktail party in the sky, that's when!

2007-03-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

River Dance!: It Never Ends!

2007-03-14T22:45:00.000-05:00

On Saturday I got to work for the LEO at a very fun event at The Kentucky Arts Center. I got to see Varla Jean Merman, who does a one-man performance-art in drag.

Yes, I know, drag shows are so 1997. But this was not a drag show. It was a cabaret show. It was hysterically funny. Fast-paced, quick-witted and original. Definitely a must-see.

On the same night, in the other theater in the Kentucky Arts Center, there was a performance of "River Dance". Both shows started at the same time, 8:00pm.

At 9:15, the Varla Jean Merman show was over and the crowd was headed for the bar for a lavish after-party.

And yet, River Dance was still going on, and thanks to the magic of the 500 flat screen TV's in the lobby, we all got to watch it. And watch it. And watch it.

9:30, still going on. Diddley-diddly-diddly-dee.

9:45, still going on. Deedley-doo, deedly-doo.

10:00 pm, still clacking away.

By this time, the Varla Jean Merman autograph signing was over, her audience was getting drunk, and we were all screaming at the flat screen TV's, "Stop, stop! Go away! Stop whirling and twirling to the haunting melody of the nose-horn! Stop stomping and clacking and leaping and kicking!"

But, alas, they did not stop.

It was 1o:30 before the easily-awed crowd stumbled out into the night raving about the Endless Irish Spectacle that they had just seen.

Of course, I had to call Kathleen at one point to beg her to use her powers to make it stop. She sadly informed me that the Evil Powers of the River Dance could not be stopped, and that she, too, had at one time in her life been forced to endure 1,000 hours of seemingly disjointed legs dancing to endless pipes and harps.

None of the River Dance audience ventured over to our little avant-garde booze party.

It was probably better that way.

Sorry For The Lack Of Posts

2007-03-12T00:13:00.000-05:00

I was very busy this weekend. I worked quite a bit for the LEO. And then today, I caught David's "cough" and felt like crap all day. Plus I have been working on my new My Space page, so I can be just like all of the other kewl kids.

Blecch.

You know, there was a time in my life when spending an entire afternoon marching in a St. Patricks's Day Parade, followed by working a booth at an arts center, followed by seeing a live stage show, followed by an after-show cocktail reception, all accompanied by alcohol, would have been a walk in the park for me. That time is not now. I was beat down today.

But I have to let you all know about the great show I saw, and about "River Dance!: It Never Ends!", which was playing opposite us.

I'm working all day tomorrow, plus a visit to the Medieval Barber, so it may be tomorrow night (Monday) before any updates.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2007-03-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

Today Lindsay Lohan sent another of her rambling emails in which she chastizes Britney Spears and tells her that trying to hang yourself from a light fixture with a bedsheet is "immoral". You know you have sunk to the bottom when you get lectured by Lindsay Lohan on morals.

In the meantime, Kevin Federline has shaved his head to show he supports Britney, while Simon Cowell has publicly stated that the only thing wrong with Britney is that she's a spoiled brat with delusions of talent.

And, our old friend Nicole Richey went to the hospital for "dehydration". I guess dehydration is the new exhaustion.

I mean, seriously, how is that I have gone all of my life without knowing a single person who has collapsed from dehydration or exhaustion? Oh, wait, now I remember. It's because they were dehydrated and exhausted from having done too much booze and too many pills. So we called it "partying too much".

Tomayto, tomahto.

Joe Wants To Know If I am Colorblind

2007-03-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

Actually, yes I am, when it comes to blues and greens! Sometimes I see green where others see blue, which I suspect is what happened here, and why I did not get the fact that the costume is a BIG BLUE DRINK! That and the fact that I saw it late at night. And was half-crocked.

I also see the yellow traffic light as brown. I have always called it brown, never yellow.

Joe Wants To Know: "What Is Wrong With This Halloween Costume?"

2007-03-03T20:33:00.000-05:00

Nothing.

This Is Why Bats Don' t Like Tornadoes. They Don't Like To Be All Swirly And Upside Down

2007-03-02T17:21:00.000-05:00

The Sky Is Pretty And Blue With Little Fluffy Clouds But We Have Been Warned And The Wind Is Somewhat Ominous

2007-03-02T17:09:00.000-05:00

You Know, Insomnia Sucks

2007-03-02T04:55:00.000-05:00

I woke up, wide awake at 2:45 am. David is sound asleep. He's the opposite of insomniac.

Apparently my son has inherited not sleeping. Rhys says he frequently stays up all night. Without drugs. What's the point of that?

Anyway, here's a nice picture.

Y Ahora Noticias Escandalosas. Pues, La Madre de David House me dijo que son escandalosas. Pero ella es puta mentirosa. Entonces, quien sabe?

2007-03-01T00:24:00.000-05:00

Monday Night Videos

2007-02-27T22:54:00.000-05:00

I think that anyone who knows me will understand why I love this video. And the best part is that my son, Rhys, recommended it to me. He said that once he saw it, he knew that I would like it. And I do.

Just In Case You Have Never Seen This...

2007-02-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

...Here is David House! The Star Of......How To Be Funny!

It Would Probably Be Best If We Ate A Little Something As Well

2007-02-23T13:58:00.000-05:00

It's Friday Night! Let's Get Started!

2007-02-23T13:55:00.000-05:00

I Want This!

2007-02-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

A German company invented this toaster. It sells for $40 dollars supposedly, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Have any of you seen this toaster?

A Lovely Time Was Had By All

2007-02-21T07:56:00.000-05:00

Ryan was just here, and we had a lovely visit. If any of it comes back to me I will share it with you here.

Oh! I just remembered something. We drank a lot of vodka and watched silly movies and videos.

If we called any of you, please let us know.

Amazing Photo

2007-02-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Carissa sent me this amazing picture of the Queen Mary 2 pulling into Sydney Harbor. What makes it amazing? Look at the Sydney Opera House. Now, if you have been to Sydney, you know that the Opera House is an imposing structure. And yet, it is positively dwarfed by this ship. This ship is big. Really, really, big.

Another Horrible Video

2007-02-20T20:36:00.000-05:00

I am quite sad. Alexis has not been raising the "horrible video" stakes. I am faintly hoping that this video from Sheena Easton will inspire her to lob another video my way.

Great song. Horrible video.

I present "Telefone":

Bald Britney

2007-02-17T10:21:00.000-05:00

Everyone is freaking out over the fact that Britney Spears has shaved her head. But they seem very nonchalant over the more horrifying aspect of the event: she had tiny lips tattooed on her wrist. That is the big problem. Bald head? Yawn. Hair grows back.

But for the rest of her life Britney is going to have tiny lips tattooed on her wrist. That has got to be the stupidest tattoo ever. And as you all know, I love tattoos.

But two tiny lips on your wrist is even stupider than a rose on your ankle, a heart on your butt, or a tweety bird anywhere.

Britney has officially descended into Mariah Carey-level madness.

Where will it end?

Worst Video, Guilty Pleasure

2007-02-16T00:37:00.000-05:00

As I told most of you, one of Celine Dion's French albums is one of my guilty pleasures. Many people have seen me dancing and singing to this song. Which has horrible lyrics. I mean, seriously horrible lyrics. I know that many people think that French sounds cool, but when you realize that at one point she is singing (dramatically): "When I get back into my apartment, I turn on the air conditioner!!!!", well, you are kind of not as impressed with the French language as you might have been previously.

That's what she really sings. She also sings " the parking structure always has the same smell", and " the elevator frightens me, at every floor, my heart stops."

But, I know for a fact that Ryan and I will play this song this weekend and dance. That's the kind of guys we are.

Oh, and here is the video.

Worst Video

2007-02-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

Alexis thinks she can stun me with her horrible Eddie Murphy, Michael Jackson collaboration.

I strike back with THIS:

Quote Of The Day

2007-02-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

From TMZ:

"Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed."
- Bobby Trendy

My Kentucky Anniversary

2007-02-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

This weekend is the four year anniversary of the Great Lexington Kentucky Ice Storm. I didn't have a camera then, but I found some pictures on the web to post. Ice storms are very odd because they are extremely destructive and extremely beautiful.

I had only moved here two weeks before, and David and I had gone to the grocery store. I remember walking through the parking lot and stopping and looking up at the trees. I remember shouting out to David to stop and look, too, because the trees were so amazing. All of the trees were perfectly outlined in ice. There was a light rain falling that was instantly coating everything in a fine layer of ice. It was like the entire Kroger parking lot was one gigantic ice sculpture. I loved it.

Then, at around 4 o'clock in the morning, I was awakened by what I thought were gunshots. I couldn't figure it out. But the sounds were coming from the back of the house, which I thought a bit odd since behind the house there was nothing but a small forest.

I went and looked out the back window. The sound I had been hearing was all of the trees snapping under the weight of the ice.

Just then the power went off. It came back on for awhile, but then went off again. In the entire city. No power anywhere.

The whole metro area was paralyzed. All of the roads in and out of Lexington were blocked by trees and downed power lines. No air service. No freeways. The National Guard was called in. A bunch of people had their houses burn down. The ice pulled out power cables and set the house on fire. We were lucky. We got our power back three days later. Some of our friends went without power for two weeks.

David and I always joke that we didn't like candles for quite some time after that.

Anyway, here are some pictures that give you an idea of what it was like. In the second picture, the road looks really shiny. That's ice. Like, ice skating rink quality ice.

Congratulations Ryan!

2007-02-14T13:38:00.000-05:00

Today Ryan got the long-anticipated news that he has been accepted and will soon be opening his own State Farm agency. It has been a very long process and Ryan had to work very hard, so he definitely deserves our Congratulations.

In order to help you all remember this moment, here is a recent, and obviously authentic photo of Ryan at State Farm HQ in Bloomington, IL, wearing the new logo jacket they just gave him.

This Is Just Astonishing

2007-02-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

Robbie Williams, the singer, checked himself into re-hab today . But not for cocaine or booze. No, he kicked those habits a few years back. But I have to think alcohol and cocaine was healthier than this:

"The singer finds it impossible to get to sleep until 4 or 5am due to insomnia and is on sleeping pills. He is hooked on the powerful anti-depressant Seroxat, which has been linked to suicidal tendencies in teenagers. And daily he gets through an incredible 36 super-strength double espresso coffees, 60 Silk Cut cigarettes and around 20 cans of energy drink Red Bull."

Good Lord! 36 espressos and 20 cans of RedBull!!! If I drink more than two Red Bulls I get super jittery. And do you know how many cigarettes that is? That's something along the lines of 3 per hour if you never, ever sleep. I totally understand the insomnia and have a great deal of sympathy for people who get hooked on sleeping pills. That's one addiction I find really easy to understand.

But the others baffle me. You would pretty much have to have an espresso in one hand and a Red Bull in other, and the only time you set either of them down is to take a drag off of your cigarette. And then you have to do it non-stop 24/7 in order to fit it all in.

How is that even physically possible?

Today Is David's Birthday!

2007-02-12T09:10:00.000-05:00

Regional Food That I LIke

2007-02-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

Let's get back to the concept that Food is one of the last truly regional items. Now that America has been take over by Macy's, cuisine is one of the last hold outs. There is food pretty much everywhere that you can't get anywhere else.

Here are some of my favorites:

Boston: Brown bread in a can, Indian pudding.
Philadelphia: Amish pretzel with mustard, apple dumpling, white pizza
Bakersfield: Smith's Cookies, Dewar's Chews
San Diego: Three rolled tacos with guacamole, machaca burrito with sour cream
Louisville: Hot brown, benedictine
Austin: Mexican Martini
Seattle: Coffee Stout
Madison: Brats and Beer
Whitehall: Fish Boil
Salt Lake City: Scones
Key West: Conch fritters, Key Lime Pie
Paris: Crepes
Brussels: Waffles, Chocolate
Mexico City: Churros and chocolate, Pepitos
Puebla: Mole, Chile en Nogada
Buenos Aires: Empanadas
Owensboro: Burgoo
Chicago: Pierogies

I'm sure there are more. I will update. Please make your own lists!

This Just In

2007-02-11T08:42:00.001-05:00

Anna Nicole Smith: Still Dead

David House Wins!

2007-02-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

Yes, David House is the lucky winner of One Dollar for correctly identifying Dean Glass. Kathleen got it right, too, but was sadly second.

As a consolation prize I will give her One Quarter (25 cents) so that she can play a drinking game.

80's Glamour

2007-02-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

This is a very fun video from Diana Ross in 1986. It is basically a series of glamorous costume changes.

Enjoy!

Who Is This?

2007-02-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

Do any of you know who this is? I do! I will give one dollar to the first person to correctly identify this man. Except him. He can't identify himself.

Shocking Study

2007-02-10T21:02:00.000-05:00

Once again, why am I not paid to do studies like these? Why? It's not fair.

From the AP:

"When it comes to online dating, many people fudge a bit when posting their height, weight, or age. That's what researcher Jeffrey Hancock, PhD, of Cornell University's department of communication, and his fellow researchers say they found. They studied 80 online daters in New York City and found that most -- 81% -- fibbed in their online profiles about height, weight, and/or age. "

Oh. My. God.

People are lying about their age, weight and height when trying to hook-up on line.

Shocking.

You know what else is shocking? People lie about their age and weight and height when trying to hook up in a bar. Or at the office. Or at a party. Or at the DMV. Or at Macy's. Or at church. Or at the grocery store.

Lying about your age, weight and height when trying to get laid? Shocking.

8 Feet Of Snow

2007-02-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

That's what towns just north of Syracuse, NY are putting up with today. I find 8 feet of snow hard to imagine. I'm thinking that Shannon may have seen something like that, or Janet, but it is hard for me to imagine. The worst snow I have ever been in was a foot or two.

With 8 feet, people are going in and out of their houses through second story windows.

I Am Utterly At A Loss For Words. Seriously, There Is No Way To Make A Parody Of This Because, Well, You'll See...

2007-02-09T16:53:00.000-05:00

From USA Today:

"Meanwhile, in another bizarre development, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor told the Associated Press that he had a decade-long affair with Smith and that he may be Dannielynn's father. "If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of (the other two men), she was with me," said Prince Frederick von Anhalt in an interview Friday. He said he would file a lawsuit if Dannielynn is turned over to either Stern or Birkhead. "

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. I have no comment at all. There is nothing I could say that could make this more bizarre. Nothing.

Quote Of The Day

2007-02-09T10:50:00.000-05:00

CNN on the news that Anna Nicole Smith just died: "This is certainly an unexpected and very tragic turn of events for Anna Nicole Smith"

Favorite 90's Video.

2007-02-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

Only Two People In The World Will Find This Funny

2007-02-08T22:53:00.000-05:00

ABBA Vs. Joan Crawford

2007-02-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

To distract ourselves from today's tragic news:

I Hate Delta Airlines

2007-02-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

I last flew Delta about 4 years ago, when we lived in Lexington. I had to join their stupid frequent flier club in order to book and check-in on line.

I rarely fly Delta. I hate them.

But now, I can't get rid of them. My paltry mileage with them expired years ago, and they still insist on sending me monthly account updates that consist of:

You have no miles with us
You have no miles to redeem
Your status with us is beneath contempt

God, I hate them. I have hated them ever since they bought out Western and ruined a once great airline.

Now We're Thinking Of Leaving Louisville

2007-02-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

Just as an FYI, David applied for a job transfer today. To Tampa.

Speaking Of Puppies

2007-02-08T18:13:00.001-05:00

The Local Louisville Perspective

2007-02-08T17:25:00.000-05:00

This is from a photo tribute to Anna Nicole in the Courier-Journal online edition. I really can't add any additional commentary since the existing commentary is too horrible to spoof.

"Anna Nicole Smith arrived on a Trimspa bus and wore a diamond necklace sporting the name of the pills that helped her lose 69 pounds. She didn't bring Sugar Pie because she said it was too chaotic in Louisville at Derby time. Besides, Sugar Pie had to stay home to welcome her new puppy, appropriately named Puppy."

Yes, in the picture she is actually wearing a diamond necklace that spells out TrimSpa. Appropriately named Trimspa.

OK, so I added a little commentary.

OH MY GOD! TrimSpa Is So Out Of Business!

2007-02-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

Oh....My...God.....

She was at Hard Rock doing some sort of TrimSpa promotion when she died.

Ummmm.....just in case you guys haven't figured it out, I think TrimSpa might be bad for you.

Public Relations 101 Final Exam Question

2007-02-08T16:53:00.000-05:00

You are in charge of Public Relations for TrimSpa. Write a brief press release that will address the fact that your company is being sued for millions due to false advertising and that your chief spokesperson has been found dead in a hotel room.

Quote Of The Day (In Memoriam)

2007-02-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

"Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies."
- Anna Nicole Smith, in Skyscaper

More About Poor, Talentless, Drug-Addicted, Alcoholic Anna

2007-02-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

It was Joe in Chicago. He found it first. He sent me an email and I jumped on it.

Which is soooo annoying because if anyone should have known about the untimely death of America's most untalented gold-digger, it should have been me.

I want everyone to watch Skyscraper this weekend. So (formerly) young, so (un)talented, so (totally) dead....

More About Dead Anna Nicole

2007-02-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

From CNN:

"Reality TV star and former Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith was pronounced dead Thursday after being found unconscious in her Florida hotel room, a law enforcement source with knowledge of the case told CNN."

It's all over the news. Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Seriously. They found her unconcious in her hotel room, rushed her to a hospital and now she is dead. Wow. Who could have seen that one coming? Anna Nicole Smith dead before the age of 40? Pretty much a shocker.

But, of course, there is a Mystery. The cause of death is "unknown" at this time.

Really? Unknown?

Let's explore some potential options.

Breast cancer? Unlikely, as her breasts were made of Play-dough and Oatmeal.

Brain tumor? Again, no. For a tumor to grow in one's brain, one must have a brain.

Heart disease? Hmmmm, no heart, no disease.

Embarassment? OK, I can't even write any comment about that because I am laughing so hard that snot is coming out of my nose.

So, I am officially out of ideas.

Oh, wait. I have one. I mean, it's unlikely, but, hey, if I were the coroner I might go out on a limb here and suggest, oh, I don't know, maybe....

A LIFETIME OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE ENDING IN LOSING WEIGHT BY USING A THINLY-VEILED QUASI-LEGAL VERSION OF COCAINE!!!

I mean, it's just a suggestion. For the coroner. Who doesn't "know" why she died.

Anna Nicole Smith Is Dead!

2007-02-08T16:11:00.000-05:00

No, seriously, check out CNN

How weird that this came right after I wrote about alcoholic drugged out messes with no talent and no glamour.

Am I psychic or what?

Alcohol, Drugs and Talent

2007-02-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

I was just reading how Hunter S Thompson used to show up at every event completely hammered. And we all know that Hemingway was a drunk. And that Judy Garland showed up wasted at many a (televised) performance.

Anne Rice wrote brilliant novels when she was an alcoholic, but has since turned sober and produces nothing but hysterical drivel. In fact, I would just like to take a second to let everyone know how much I loathe everything Anne Rice has written in the last, oh let's say, 20 years. The last Anne Rice novel I bought was, I think, The Violin. While I don't remember exactly which horrible novel it was, I absolutely remember throwing it across my hotel room 3/4 unread. When I checked out I threw it in the trash.

But I digress.

So, it seems there is some sort of "big messy drunk/druggie = brilliant talent" at work here. But (and this is a very important But), then we get to Modern America, where the big messes are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Paula Abdul.

This, then, is the question: Why are all of the really talented, really glamorous stars of the past all horrible lushes, but all of the horrible lushes of today are all really untalented and really unglamorous?

Nina Hagen. She Might Make An Interesting Dinner Guest.

2007-02-08T00:24:00.000-05:00

And so she might. And here she is.

Alas, I Have Become A Local

2007-02-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

You Know You're From Louisville When... Your "International" airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. states

You live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes... but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.

You pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you've heard.

You think the rest of the people in Kentucky sound like hicks.

You ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to "move."

You've shovelled 10+ inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.

When people ask what school you went to, they don't mean Vanderbilt, Yale, or Harvard; they mean Ballard, Male, Manual, Trinity or St. X.

You know what the Bambi Walk is.

Your last ten vacations were in Panama City or Destin.

You make an emergency run to Kroger for bread and milk at the first sighting of a snowflake.

You've lived here for years, yet somehow you get hopelessly lost each time you attempt a shortcut through Cherokee Park.

You give directions based on landmarks that no longer exist or street names that have changed, but your directions never confuse any of the other Louisvillians

You have never been to the Derby, but wouldn't miss the Oaks.

You call in sick to attend the Oaks and spot your boss - who also called in sick - at the next betting window.

You think all the REAL hicks live in New Albany.

You think the only thing Southern Indiana is good for is buying pumpkins.

You think the rest of the world knows what Benedictine spread is.

You think the rest of the world knows what a Hot Brown is.

Dinner Party Game

2007-02-06T18:04:00.000-05:00

So, I am having a dinner party. I can seat 8 people. Since I am one of the dinner party attendees, that means I can invite 7 people to dinner. I can invite anyone I want, and they absolutely will accept my invitation. Who will I invite?

1. Grace Jones
2. Tanith Lee
3. Kate Bush
4. Fran Lebowitz
5. Anderson Cooper
6. Bjork
7. James Wolcott

Who would you invite?