I'm Back, And You Can Thank Lindsay Lohan
In spite of the fact that our house is still only about 50% put together, and in spite of the fact that I am working not one, not two, but three jobs, all of which want me to work this weekend, I simply cannot resist commenting on this:
From USA Today - "Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said. Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Mike Foxen said."
And so, Miss Lohan's special car-crashing abilities come into play again. For those of you not in the know, Lindsay crashes cars about every three or four days. She also apparently never sleeps, as these crashes always seem to happen just when the sun is about to come up.
Which is what tipped me off. You see, the police were fooled into believing that Lindsay crashed her car because of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured out the truth. Lindsay Lohan crashed her car because she was going as fast as she could so she could beat the sun.
Lindsay Lohan is a vampire.
If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She is always zooming around LA at 4am, she always shows up "late" for movie shoots, just as the sun is going down. She is photographed over and over in the middle of the night. She never seems to eat. Have you ever seen a photo of Lindsay eating pizza or pork chops? Neither have I.
Even her hysteria of being photographed makes sense. Vampires are notoriously paranoid, and Lindsay probably hasn't realized that amazing strides in digital photography means that she will actually show up in pictures. I am sure she still a bit traumatized by the events of 1898 when Paris street photographers displayed pictures of Lindsay's empty bustle-skirt and shirtwaist exiting the Moulin Rouge at 5am. This also explains why she is constantly doing really stupid things in front of a camera. She is probably all like "Hey, I'm not going to show up in the photo anyway so why not hike up my skirt and flip them off?"
The coke and the booze are clever ruses to deceive America. She isn't drunk or high, she needs to get home before the sun turns her into a pile of ashes.
The one thing I don't get is I have seen many pics of Lindsay at the beach. Vampires don't like the beach, what with the sun trying to turn them into a pile of ashes and all. So I have to assume that the necromancer/alchemist Lindsay slept with in 1363 owes her a favor and has reanimated the corpse of her twin sister who died in 1375 of The Pox.
And so, I have solved the riddle that is Lindsay Lohan. She is a centuries-old nightclubbing vampire whose reanimated corpse of a twin sister sometimes impersonates her in order to fool you, the American public.
Now I have to figure out what is up with Dina. I'm thinking werewolf, but I have to do some more research. I'll keep you posted.
From USA Today - "Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said. Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Mike Foxen said."
And so, Miss Lohan's special car-crashing abilities come into play again. For those of you not in the know, Lindsay crashes cars about every three or four days. She also apparently never sleeps, as these crashes always seem to happen just when the sun is about to come up.
Which is what tipped me off. You see, the police were fooled into believing that Lindsay crashed her car because of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured out the truth. Lindsay Lohan crashed her car because she was going as fast as she could so she could beat the sun.
Lindsay Lohan is a vampire.
If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She is always zooming around LA at 4am, she always shows up "late" for movie shoots, just as the sun is going down. She is photographed over and over in the middle of the night. She never seems to eat. Have you ever seen a photo of Lindsay eating pizza or pork chops? Neither have I.
Even her hysteria of being photographed makes sense. Vampires are notoriously paranoid, and Lindsay probably hasn't realized that amazing strides in digital photography means that she will actually show up in pictures. I am sure she still a bit traumatized by the events of 1898 when Paris street photographers displayed pictures of Lindsay's empty bustle-skirt and shirtwaist exiting the Moulin Rouge at 5am. This also explains why she is constantly doing really stupid things in front of a camera. She is probably all like "Hey, I'm not going to show up in the photo anyway so why not hike up my skirt and flip them off?"
The coke and the booze are clever ruses to deceive America. She isn't drunk or high, she needs to get home before the sun turns her into a pile of ashes.
The one thing I don't get is I have seen many pics of Lindsay at the beach. Vampires don't like the beach, what with the sun trying to turn them into a pile of ashes and all. So I have to assume that the necromancer/alchemist Lindsay slept with in 1363 owes her a favor and has reanimated the corpse of her twin sister who died in 1375 of The Pox.
And so, I have solved the riddle that is Lindsay Lohan. She is a centuries-old nightclubbing vampire whose reanimated corpse of a twin sister sometimes impersonates her in order to fool you, the American public.
Now I have to figure out what is up with Dina. I'm thinking werewolf, but I have to do some more research. I'll keep you posted.
posted by Greg at 6:09 AM
1 Comments:
Thank you Lindsay Lohan! Though it seems Our Greg has spent a little too much time thinking about you, I'm glad you helped bring his blog back! I was having serious withdrawals.
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