It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Hit In The Face With A Sturgeon

From the "Why I Don't Want To Live In Florida" files comes this bizarre piece of info. This is courtesy of the International Herald Tribune, but has been widely reported elsewhere as well.

"It may seem bizarre, but it is no joke. Leaping sturgeon have injured three people on the Suwannee so far this year, including a woman on a Jet Ski and a girl whose leg was shattered when one of the big fish jumped aboard her boat. Eight others were hit last year, and with traffic growing on the storied river, sturgeon are joining alligators and hurricanes on the list of things to dread in Florida.

"These injuries are very impressive," said Lawrence Lottenberg, director of trauma surgery at the University of Florida College of Medicine in nearby Gainesville. "You've got people sitting on the front of an open boat, and the boat is going 20, 30, 40 miles per hour. The fish jumps up and usually slaps these people right across their face and upper chest. Almost every one of them, universally, has been knocked unconscious. If you're not wearing a life jacket, you're going to fall in the water and potentially drown."

So, you are out with your friends for a day on the river, you have a few beers, it's sunny and bright. You're laughing and chatting, maybe singing along to the radio, and suddenly you are slapped across the face and chest by a flying sturgeon.

I looked up sturgeons. They are up to 8 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs. They are relics of the dinosaur era, and have armor plating. Even better. You are not just slapped across the face with a fish, you are slapped across the face with an 8-foot, 200 lb dinosaur fish with armor plating.

I thought about this for awhile, and I decided that there is only one way that this whole thing could be turned into a positive event.

It could happen to Lindsay Lohan.

Wouldn't that just be karmic justice at its finest? Lindsay Lohan, coked up, drunk , racing her newly acquired speed boat down the Suwanee River, when suddenly she is slapped across the face and chest and rendered unconscious by a flying sturgeon.

I can picture it now. She'd be all, like, "Woo..Wooo...Hey guys! Watch me race this baby! Have I told you how much I hate Paris Hilton? Man that bitch got what she deserved..jail was too good for her...If I saw her now I would tell her......."

Blam! Sturgeon right across the face.

Of course, Lindsay wouldn't drown. It is a well know fact that witches and other supernatural creatures can't drown. But wait! The speeding incident would have to be at night. Because Lindsay is a vampire! So it would have to be a night sturgeon.

I'll bet sturgeon don't sleep, so it is possible. I hope it isn't a day sturgeon because then the accident victim would be the reanimated corpse of Lindsay's long dead twin, in which case the sturgeon would probably knock her head clear off and then the title of this story would have to be "It's All Fun And Games Until The Reanimated Corpse Of Your Long Dead Twin Has Her Head Knocked Off By A Sturgeon"