Lindsay Is Back In Rehab And/Or The Reanimated Corpse Of Her Long-Dead Twin Needed A Limb Stitched Back On

News reports say that Lindsay Lohan is "back in rehab". So not true.

This is obviously just another attempt to distract the press from the fact that Lindsay is currently building a sun-proof bunker 500 feet below the beaches of SoCal to protect her increasingly fragile vampire body from sun (and possibly wind) damage.

LA doesn't know what's coming. While Lindsay's Twin's Reanimated Corpse is running around pretending to be Lindsay, checking into rehab, winking at Dina The Werewolf behind reporters' backs, and plotting in her reanimated mind how she is going to become Lindsay PERMANENTLY, the real Lindsay is laying the groundwork for the total annihilation of all who have defied Her.

By utter coincidence, I happened to receive in the mail today a copy of a video that Lindsay made depicting what she plans to do in every LA nightclub. Starting with any club that admitted Paris Hilton.

Watch as Lindsay's Training Video shows how she will enter a nightclub, gobble up body parts, and set everyone on fire as she exits.

I'm Back, And You Can Thank Lindsay Lohan

In spite of the fact that our house is still only about 50% put together, and in spite of the fact that I am working not one, not two, but three jobs, all of which want me to work this weekend, I simply cannot resist commenting on this:

From USA Today - "Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said. Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m. Saturday, Sgt. Mike Foxen said."

And so, Miss Lohan's special car-crashing abilities come into play again. For those of you not in the know, Lindsay crashes cars about every three or four days. She also apparently never sleeps, as these crashes always seem to happen just when the sun is about to come up.

Which is what tipped me off. You see, the police were fooled into believing that Lindsay crashed her car because of drugs and alcohol. But I have figured out the truth. Lindsay Lohan crashed her car because she was going as fast as she could so she could beat the sun.

Lindsay Lohan is a vampire.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. She is always zooming around LA at 4am, she always shows up "late" for movie shoots, just as the sun is going down. She is photographed over and over in the middle of the night. She never seems to eat. Have you ever seen a photo of Lindsay eating pizza or pork chops? Neither have I.

Even her hysteria of being photographed makes sense. Vampires are notoriously paranoid, and Lindsay probably hasn't realized that amazing strides in digital photography means that she will actually show up in pictures. I am sure she still a bit traumatized by the events of 1898 when Paris street photographers displayed pictures of Lindsay's empty bustle-skirt and shirtwaist exiting the Moulin Rouge at 5am. This also explains why she is constantly doing really stupid things in front of a camera. She is probably all like "Hey, I'm not going to show up in the photo anyway so why not hike up my skirt and flip them off?"

The coke and the booze are clever ruses to deceive America. She isn't drunk or high, she needs to get home before the sun turns her into a pile of ashes.

The one thing I don't get is I have seen many pics of Lindsay at the beach. Vampires don't like the beach, what with the sun trying to turn them into a pile of ashes and all. So I have to assume that the necromancer/alchemist Lindsay slept with in 1363 owes her a favor and has reanimated the corpse of her twin sister who died in 1375 of The Pox.

And so, I have solved the riddle that is Lindsay Lohan. She is a centuries-old nightclubbing vampire whose reanimated corpse of a twin sister sometimes impersonates her in order to fool you, the American public.

Now I have to figure out what is up with Dina. I'm thinking werewolf, but I have to do some more research. I'll keep you posted.

Sorry About The Lack Of Posts But We Are Moving And It Is A Royal Pain In The Ass

Ick. Double ick.

I hope to be back in action blogging away after this weekend.

For All You Business Gals

Day After Derby!

Well, the weather held off and the infield did not become a huge mud pit. The Queen did not get to watch girls in shorty-shorts roll about mud wrestling. I think this is for the best.

A horse called Street Sense zoomed up at the last minute and won. Nobody had even mentioned Street Sense until then. I guess if you had placed a bet on him then you would now be semi-rich. Or maybe not. I don't understand horse betting stuff.

I do know, however, that My Chemical Horse-Pants won the Derby In My Head this year.

If you betted (sp? real word?) a lot of imaginary money on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you are now officially an imaginary millionaire. You can quit your job, if you have one, you can sell your car, if you have one, you can tell your friends to drop dead, if you have any.

Basically, by betting in your head on My Chemical Horse-Pants, you can have anything you want. As long as it is in your head.

Derby!

I am on the scene at the Kentucky Derby. I am going to watch the Derby on TV this afternoon. The weather is horrible. It is rainy and there are going to be thunderstorms. This means that the infield (the section open to the general public) will turn into a giant mud pit and the drunken frat boys and their gal pals will decide to have a mud fight. So pretty. So classy.

This year Queen Elizabeth will be here. She will be wearing a Derby Hat, but everyone is keeping what it looks like a big secret. Since Queen Elizabeth wears a Derby Hat everyday I am not sure how we will know that it is a special Derby Hat and not just some hat that she wore on her state visit to Uzbekistan and decided was too good to give to the Goodwill. I mean, Americans don’t keep track of this sort of thing. Wouldn’t it be horrible if Americans were thrilled to see the Queen in her Derby Hat, but behind our backs the Brits were snickering and saying “Stupid Yanks! That’s the hat she wore at the grand opening of Harrod’s Tashkent!”

I am also worried about the Queen seeing the infield mudfight. This will not make a good impression.

Last night was the Barnstable Brown party. It is the number one Derby Party to go to. Cybill Shepherd was there and Jenny McCarthy, too. But the star last night was new celebrity and hometown boy Larry Birkhead, who actually met Anna Nicole at the same party four years ago. He is moving back here with the baby to be closer to his family.

Kid Rock is always here as well, but Pamela Anderson won’t come anymore because we eat chicken.

So what are my plans for the day? Well, first of all I have to find someone to drink bourbon with. None of my Kentucky friends like bourbon. I would like to have one mint julep, in a Derby cup, as is proper. After all, the Derby is all about tradition.

And speaking of tradition, there is another tradition to consider. I don’t bet on horses, and I never know the names of the horses that are running, so every year I make up my own horses and bet in my head. Here is this year’s roster.

1. Does That Hurt?

2. Stephanie’s Boil

3. Licky Lou

4. No You Din’t

5. Paternity Test

6. It’s Just A Cold

7. Hamster Wheel

8. Clive and Jasmine

9. Maybe Later

10. My Chemical Horse-pants

11. Sneeze Guard

12. Not Here You Won’t

13. Judy’s Snickerdoodles

14. Pastalicious

15. Horse Brutality

Now I would like to summarize my thesis. Although there are 20 horses in the real Derby, I stopped my list at 15. That is because my horse names are not real. The Derby In My Head can have as many or as few horses as I want, after all.

In summary, this was a blog posting about the Kentucky Derby. Every year there are two Derbys: one real, one pretend. I leave it up to the reader to decide which is best.