Monday Night Videos

I think that anyone who knows me will understand why I love this video. And the best part is that my son, Rhys, recommended it to me. He said that once he saw it, he knew that I would like it. And I do.

Just In Case You Have Never Seen This...

...Here is David House! The Star Of......How To Be Funny!

It Would Probably Be Best If We Ate A Little Something As Well

It's Friday Night! Let's Get Started!

I Want This!

A German company invented this toaster. It sells for $40 dollars supposedly, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Have any of you seen this toaster?

A Lovely Time Was Had By All

Ryan was just here, and we had a lovely visit. If any of it comes back to me I will share it with you here.

Oh! I just remembered something. We drank a lot of vodka and watched silly movies and videos.

If we called any of you, please let us know.

Amazing Photo

Carissa sent me this amazing picture of the Queen Mary 2 pulling into Sydney Harbor. What makes it amazing? Look at the Sydney Opera House. Now, if you have been to Sydney, you know that the Opera House is an imposing structure. And yet, it is positively dwarfed by this ship. This ship is big. Really, really, big.

Another Horrible Video

I am quite sad. Alexis has not been raising the "horrible video" stakes. I am faintly hoping that this video from Sheena Easton will inspire her to lob another video my way.

Great song. Horrible video.

I present "Telefone":

Bald Britney

Everyone is freaking out over the fact that Britney Spears has shaved her head. But they seem very nonchalant over the more horrifying aspect of the event: she had tiny lips tattooed on her wrist. That is the big problem. Bald head? Yawn. Hair grows back.

But for the rest of her life Britney is going to have tiny lips tattooed on her wrist. That has got to be the stupidest tattoo ever. And as you all know, I love tattoos.

But two tiny lips on your wrist is even stupider than a rose on your ankle, a heart on your butt, or a tweety bird anywhere.

Britney has officially descended into Mariah Carey-level madness.

Where will it end?

Worst Video, Guilty Pleasure

As I told most of you, one of Celine Dion's French albums is one of my guilty pleasures. Many people have seen me dancing and singing to this song. Which has horrible lyrics. I mean, seriously horrible lyrics. I know that many people think that French sounds cool, but when you realize that at one point she is singing (dramatically): "When I get back into my apartment, I turn on the air conditioner!!!!", well, you are kind of not as impressed with the French language as you might have been previously.

That's what she really sings. She also sings " the parking structure always has the same smell", and " the elevator frightens me, at every floor, my heart stops."

But, I know for a fact that Ryan and I will play this song this weekend and dance. That's the kind of guys we are.

Oh, and here is the video.

Worst Video

Alexis thinks she can stun me with her horrible Eddie Murphy, Michael Jackson collaboration.

I strike back with THIS:

Quote Of The Day

From TMZ:

"Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed."
- Bobby Trendy

My Kentucky Anniversary

This weekend is the four year anniversary of the Great Lexington Kentucky Ice Storm. I didn't have a camera then, but I found some pictures on the web to post. Ice storms are very odd because they are extremely destructive and extremely beautiful.

I had only moved here two weeks before, and David and I had gone to the grocery store. I remember walking through the parking lot and stopping and looking up at the trees. I remember shouting out to David to stop and look, too, because the trees were so amazing. All of the trees were perfectly outlined in ice. There was a light rain falling that was instantly coating everything in a fine layer of ice. It was like the entire Kroger parking lot was one gigantic ice sculpture. I loved it.

Then, at around 4 o'clock in the morning, I was awakened by what I thought were gunshots. I couldn't figure it out. But the sounds were coming from the back of the house, which I thought a bit odd since behind the house there was nothing but a small forest.

I went and looked out the back window. The sound I had been hearing was all of the trees snapping under the weight of the ice.

Just then the power went off. It came back on for awhile, but then went off again. In the entire city. No power anywhere.

The whole metro area was paralyzed. All of the roads in and out of Lexington were blocked by trees and downed power lines. No air service. No freeways. The National Guard was called in. A bunch of people had their houses burn down. The ice pulled out power cables and set the house on fire. We were lucky. We got our power back three days later. Some of our friends went without power for two weeks.

David and I always joke that we didn't like candles for quite some time after that.

Anyway, here are some pictures that give you an idea of what it was like. In the second picture, the road looks really shiny. That's ice. Like, ice skating rink quality ice.

Congratulations Ryan!

Today Ryan got the long-anticipated news that he has been accepted and will soon be opening his own State Farm agency. It has been a very long process and Ryan had to work very hard, so he definitely deserves our Congratulations.

In order to help you all remember this moment, here is a recent, and obviously authentic photo of Ryan at State Farm HQ in Bloomington, IL, wearing the new logo jacket they just gave him.

This Is Just Astonishing

Robbie Williams, the singer, checked himself into re-hab today . But not for cocaine or booze. No, he kicked those habits a few years back. But I have to think alcohol and cocaine was healthier than this:

"The singer finds it impossible to get to sleep until 4 or 5am due to insomnia and is on sleeping pills. He is hooked on the powerful anti-depressant Seroxat, which has been linked to suicidal tendencies in teenagers. And daily he gets through an incredible 36 super-strength double espresso coffees, 60 Silk Cut cigarettes and around 20 cans of energy drink Red Bull."

Good Lord! 36 espressos and 20 cans of RedBull!!! If I drink more than two Red Bulls I get super jittery. And do you know how many cigarettes that is? That's something along the lines of 3 per hour if you never, ever sleep. I totally understand the insomnia and have a great deal of sympathy for people who get hooked on sleeping pills. That's one addiction I find really easy to understand.

But the others baffle me. You would pretty much have to have an espresso in one hand and a Red Bull in other, and the only time you set either of them down is to take a drag off of your cigarette. And then you have to do it non-stop 24/7 in order to fit it all in.

How is that even physically possible?

Today Is David's Birthday!

Regional Food That I LIke

Let's get back to the concept that Food is one of the last truly regional items. Now that America has been take over by Macy's, cuisine is one of the last hold outs. There is food pretty much everywhere that you can't get anywhere else.

Here are some of my favorites:

Boston: Brown bread in a can, Indian pudding.
Philadelphia: Amish pretzel with mustard, apple dumpling, white pizza
Bakersfield: Smith's Cookies, Dewar's Chews
San Diego: Three rolled tacos with guacamole, machaca burrito with sour cream
Louisville: Hot brown, benedictine
Austin: Mexican Martini
Seattle: Coffee Stout
Madison: Brats and Beer
Whitehall: Fish Boil
Salt Lake City: Scones
Key West: Conch fritters, Key Lime Pie
Paris: Crepes
Brussels: Waffles, Chocolate
Mexico City: Churros and chocolate, Pepitos
Puebla: Mole, Chile en Nogada
Buenos Aires: Empanadas
Owensboro: Burgoo
Chicago: Pierogies

I'm sure there are more. I will update. Please make your own lists!

This Just In

Anna Nicole Smith: Still Dead

David House Wins!

Yes, David House is the lucky winner of One Dollar for correctly identifying Dean Glass. Kathleen got it right, too, but was sadly second.

As a consolation prize I will give her One Quarter (25 cents) so that she can play a drinking game.

80's Glamour

This is a very fun video from Diana Ross in 1986. It is basically a series of glamorous costume changes.

Enjoy!

Who Is This?

Do any of you know who this is? I do! I will give one dollar to the first person to correctly identify this man. Except him. He can't identify himself.

Shocking Study

Once again, why am I not paid to do studies like these? Why? It's not fair.

From the AP:

"When it comes to online dating, many people fudge a bit when posting their height, weight, or age. That's what researcher Jeffrey Hancock, PhD, of Cornell University's department of communication, and his fellow researchers say they found. They studied 80 online daters in New York City and found that most -- 81% -- fibbed in their online profiles about height, weight, and/or age. "

Oh. My. God.

People are lying about their age, weight and height when trying to hook-up on line.

Shocking.

You know what else is shocking? People lie about their age and weight and height when trying to hook up in a bar. Or at the office. Or at a party. Or at the DMV. Or at Macy's. Or at church. Or at the grocery store.

Lying about your age, weight and height when trying to get laid? Shocking.

8 Feet Of Snow

That's what towns just north of Syracuse, NY are putting up with today. I find 8 feet of snow hard to imagine. I'm thinking that Shannon may have seen something like that, or Janet, but it is hard for me to imagine. The worst snow I have ever been in was a foot or two.

With 8 feet, people are going in and out of their houses through second story windows.

I Am Utterly At A Loss For Words. Seriously, There Is No Way To Make A Parody Of This Because, Well, You'll See...

From USA Today:

"Meanwhile, in another bizarre development, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor told the Associated Press that he had a decade-long affair with Smith and that he may be Dannielynn's father. "If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of (the other two men), she was with me," said Prince Frederick von Anhalt in an interview Friday. He said he would file a lawsuit if Dannielynn is turned over to either Stern or Birkhead. "

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole's baby. I have no comment at all. There is nothing I could say that could make this more bizarre. Nothing.

Quote Of The Day

CNN on the news that Anna Nicole Smith just died: "This is certainly an unexpected and very tragic turn of events for Anna Nicole Smith"

Favorite 90's Video.

Only Two People In The World Will Find This Funny

ABBA Vs. Joan Crawford

To distract ourselves from today's tragic news:

I Hate Delta Airlines

I last flew Delta about 4 years ago, when we lived in Lexington. I had to join their stupid frequent flier club in order to book and check-in on line.

I rarely fly Delta. I hate them.

But now, I can't get rid of them. My paltry mileage with them expired years ago, and they still insist on sending me monthly account updates that consist of:

You have no miles with us
You have no miles to redeem
Your status with us is beneath contempt

God, I hate them. I have hated them ever since they bought out Western and ruined a once great airline.

Now We're Thinking Of Leaving Louisville

Just as an FYI, David applied for a job transfer today. To Tampa.

Speaking Of Puppies

The Local Louisville Perspective

This is from a photo tribute to Anna Nicole in the Courier-Journal online edition. I really can't add any additional commentary since the existing commentary is too horrible to spoof.

"Anna Nicole Smith arrived on a Trimspa bus and wore a diamond necklace sporting the name of the pills that helped her lose 69 pounds. She didn't bring Sugar Pie because she said it was too chaotic in Louisville at Derby time. Besides, Sugar Pie had to stay home to welcome her new puppy, appropriately named Puppy."

Yes, in the picture she is actually wearing a diamond necklace that spells out TrimSpa. Appropriately named Trimspa.

OK, so I added a little commentary.

OH MY GOD! TrimSpa Is So Out Of Business!

Oh....My...God.....

She was at Hard Rock doing some sort of TrimSpa promotion when she died.

Ummmm.....just in case you guys haven't figured it out, I think TrimSpa might be bad for you.

Public Relations 101 Final Exam Question

You are in charge of Public Relations for TrimSpa. Write a brief press release that will address the fact that your company is being sued for millions due to false advertising and that your chief spokesperson has been found dead in a hotel room.

Quote Of The Day (In Memoriam)

"Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies."
- Anna Nicole Smith, in Skyscaper

More About Poor, Talentless, Drug-Addicted, Alcoholic Anna

It was Joe in Chicago. He found it first. He sent me an email and I jumped on it.

Which is soooo annoying because if anyone should have known about the untimely death of America's most untalented gold-digger, it should have been me.

I want everyone to watch Skyscraper this weekend. So (formerly) young, so (un)talented, so (totally) dead....

More About Dead Anna Nicole

From CNN:

"Reality TV star and former Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith was pronounced dead Thursday after being found unconscious in her Florida hotel room, a law enforcement source with knowledge of the case told CNN."

It's all over the news. Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Seriously. They found her unconcious in her hotel room, rushed her to a hospital and now she is dead. Wow. Who could have seen that one coming? Anna Nicole Smith dead before the age of 40? Pretty much a shocker.

But, of course, there is a Mystery. The cause of death is "unknown" at this time.

Really? Unknown?

Let's explore some potential options.

Breast cancer? Unlikely, as her breasts were made of Play-dough and Oatmeal.

Brain tumor? Again, no. For a tumor to grow in one's brain, one must have a brain.

Heart disease? Hmmmm, no heart, no disease.

Embarassment? OK, I can't even write any comment about that because I am laughing so hard that snot is coming out of my nose.

So, I am officially out of ideas.

Oh, wait. I have one. I mean, it's unlikely, but, hey, if I were the coroner I might go out on a limb here and suggest, oh, I don't know, maybe....

A LIFETIME OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE ENDING IN LOSING WEIGHT BY USING A THINLY-VEILED QUASI-LEGAL VERSION OF COCAINE!!!

I mean, it's just a suggestion. For the coroner. Who doesn't "know" why she died.

Anna Nicole Smith Is Dead!

No, seriously, check out CNN

How weird that this came right after I wrote about alcoholic drugged out messes with no talent and no glamour.

Am I psychic or what?

Alcohol, Drugs and Talent

I was just reading how Hunter S Thompson used to show up at every event completely hammered. And we all know that Hemingway was a drunk. And that Judy Garland showed up wasted at many a (televised) performance.

Anne Rice wrote brilliant novels when she was an alcoholic, but has since turned sober and produces nothing but hysterical drivel. In fact, I would just like to take a second to let everyone know how much I loathe everything Anne Rice has written in the last, oh let's say, 20 years. The last Anne Rice novel I bought was, I think, The Violin. While I don't remember exactly which horrible novel it was, I absolutely remember throwing it across my hotel room 3/4 unread. When I checked out I threw it in the trash.

But I digress.

So, it seems there is some sort of "big messy drunk/druggie = brilliant talent" at work here. But (and this is a very important But), then we get to Modern America, where the big messes are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Paula Abdul.

This, then, is the question: Why are all of the really talented, really glamorous stars of the past all horrible lushes, but all of the horrible lushes of today are all really untalented and really unglamorous?

Nina Hagen. She Might Make An Interesting Dinner Guest.

And so she might. And here she is.

Alas, I Have Become A Local

You Know You're From Louisville When... Your "International" airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. states

You live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes... but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.

You pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you've heard.

You think the rest of the people in Kentucky sound like hicks.

You ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to "move."

You've shovelled 10+ inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.

When people ask what school you went to, they don't mean Vanderbilt, Yale, or Harvard; they mean Ballard, Male, Manual, Trinity or St. X.

You know what the Bambi Walk is.

Your last ten vacations were in Panama City or Destin.

You make an emergency run to Kroger for bread and milk at the first sighting of a snowflake.

You've lived here for years, yet somehow you get hopelessly lost each time you attempt a shortcut through Cherokee Park.

You give directions based on landmarks that no longer exist or street names that have changed, but your directions never confuse any of the other Louisvillians

You have never been to the Derby, but wouldn't miss the Oaks.

You call in sick to attend the Oaks and spot your boss - who also called in sick - at the next betting window.

You think all the REAL hicks live in New Albany.

You think the only thing Southern Indiana is good for is buying pumpkins.

You think the rest of the world knows what Benedictine spread is.

You think the rest of the world knows what a Hot Brown is.

Dinner Party Game

So, I am having a dinner party. I can seat 8 people. Since I am one of the dinner party attendees, that means I can invite 7 people to dinner. I can invite anyone I want, and they absolutely will accept my invitation. Who will I invite?

1. Grace Jones
2. Tanith Lee
3. Kate Bush
4. Fran Lebowitz
5. Anderson Cooper
6. Bjork
7. James Wolcott

Who would you invite?

Joe Wins The Video Challenge!

Joe ib Chicago got this one first. The correct answer to our video challenge was "Safety Dance, Men Without Hats."

Here is the video:

Etiquette

Here is an interesting question of etiquette. Last night Kathleen and I were discussing those stupid stir sticks/straws that so many bars put into drinks. You know them. They are usually black, and have two holes, and people take wee sips with them.

Anyway, an etiquette question came up. Kathleen thinks that after you have used the wee straw to stir your drink and break up the ice that has clumped together to form some sort of Cocktail Ice Floe, that you should set the wee straw down gently on the bar.

I say that the first time that the wee straw sticks you in the eye you yank it out of your drink and fling it across the room.

Thoughts?

You Think Your City Is Cold?

Well, right now it is -22 F in Winnipeg.

Name That Video!

OK, so Monica got the last one really fast. Let's see who gets this one.

"A man, a midget, and an obviously insane woman leap around at what may or may not be a Renaissance Faire"

Monica Wins!

Yes, the correct answer is "Love Is A Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Monica says it was too easy, so I shall have to find something more difficult next time.

Here is the video.

My Sister Is Unwise

Monica apparently thought she could mock me by sending me this:


Now I have no choice. I must counter with this:

Name That Video!

The first person to post the correct answer wins $1!!!!

It's a new game!

I will describe the 80's video, and you have to figure out the singer and the song title! Here we go.

"A 30-something woman runs away from home and becomes a Times Square whore. In the end, she gets back at her pimp by making all of the whores dance and shake their tits. And she throws a drink in his face."

Name...That...Video!

OK, It's Late, And I Am Feeling Nostalgic

Best Video Ever

I'm not sure, but this may be the Best Video Ever.

If I posted this before, I'm sorry.

But really. Best. Video. Ever.

Scary

I want you all to watch this video, and I want to know what you think. I really like it, but it also terrifies me. Whenever I watch it I feel like I'm having some sort of drug flashback.

Skip The UK This Year

Today the UK added an additional $78 to their tax on airline tickets, bringing taxes for tickets to London to just around $300. In addition, the tax is retroactive, so the airlines are sending passengers who already hold tickets bills for the additional amount, and will refuse to board them if they don't pay.

This has resulted in the ridiculous situation that on the NYC-London route, the taxes are now more than the cost of the ticket.

And with the pound at $1.96 as of today, I can think of no possible reason to visit London in the near future.

Look What I Can Do!

I can make David dress like a pirate and dance!

Dance, Pirate David, Dance! Dance! Dance!

Naughty Video...Ooh La La!

This video was considered super naughty when it came out. So naughty, it was banned by MTV. And it's in French! So, it's super-duper naughty!

Mild Superpowers

On the Dilbert Blog, (which I hope you read), Scott Adams writes about Mild Superpowers. He points out that real Superpowers are things like making fire shoot out of your eyes, or making time stand still, or getting Lindsay Lohan to sober up.

Anyway, he goes on to talk about Mild Superpowers. Here is the quote:

"A mild super power would be, for example, the ability to regenerate extra toilet paper on a roll that is almost out, or the ability to know exactly how long to microwave leftovers, or the ability to scratch the middle of your own back. Those are just examples. "

This is great! Because I have a couple of Mild Superpowers.

First, I can find the Obvious Flaw in any plan. This has been a problem in my job career. Because I have found out that the last thing any overpaid, underqualified Manager *** wants to hear is "I'm sorry, but that is illegal in 12 states."

But I have another Mild Superpower. I can hold a cocktail upright, and not spill a drop, no matter how inebriated I am. My friends in San Diego used to say that I was like a gyroscope. I could fall face down on the floor and not a drop would be spilled.

Small talents, both, but obviously Mild Superpowers.

What are your Mild Superpowers?

*** Tauna Reneau, Michael Coleman, and a host of others too numerous to mention.

Just One More Point

I'm reading all of the articles about this pretend bomb scare/terrorist threat and a comment to an article pointed out that not one, NOT ONE, person in the Boston police force, fire department, no City personnel, nor any newscaster, recognized that this was a cartoon character from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Jesus Christ, I am 47 years old, have no children of High School or College age living with me, and I do not have any friends under the age of 35 in Louisville. And yet, I instantly recognized a Mooninite!!!!

I used to chuckle about ATHF with co-workers at Chase. And if people who work at a Chase Bank in Louisville KY know about ATHF and the Mooninites, well then at least one person who works for the City of Boston should.