Lucky Lastenia!

I just got off the phone with the Lovely Lastenia Suarez, formerly of Council Travel, now with the travel consortium ABC Corporate Services.

Miss Suarez informed me that she is being sent on a business trip! To Ensenada!

Yes, that's right. Lastenia will be spending three days at a trade show on a cruise ship. It leaves from glamorous Long Beach, heads off to Ensenada, and after "a fun day at sea", returns to Long Beach.

Lucky Lastenia! She gets to go on an international business trip.

Hey Lastenia! Remember when you turned up your nose at "another free ticket to London?".

But wait, folks, there may be more. I think this may be the ship she'll be on. Some of you may recognize it:
Have fun on the Fun Ship, Lastenia! Buen viaje!

A Flashback For The Council Travel People

This is something I wrote years ago that circulated around Council Travel. It makes fun of the horrible product line that Council so desperately tried to market just before their demise. Even if you didn't work for Council, you may find it somewhat amusing.

********** NEW GEAR ITEMS **************

********************************************

In order to provide more products with a higher margin, we are pleased to announce two new gear items. The photos below show these items in more detail.

Item #1 - The CT Gear Travel Toilet - This is the perfect accessory and a must have for any backpacker. Comes as shown with toilet brush and two rolls of CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper. A great upsell item. Remind all clients who purchase a hostel card, sleep sack or backpack of how hard it is to find a good, free toilet in Europe.

Item #2 - The CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper - In the above photo Claire Carmenghia of the Rancho Mission Abandonado, CA shop shows the many features and benefits of the CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper. Once again an upsell item when you remind clients of the fact that in Europe they might not find their own preferred brand of toilet paper.

The CT Gear Travel Toilet is priced at $59.95, and CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper at $1.95 per roll. We realize this is slightly higher than toilet paper that you might find at your local supermarket, but we feel the higher price is justified due to CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper’s many features and benefits.

Your shop will soon be receiving an initial order of 100 CT Gear Travel Toilets and 500 rolls of CT Gear Travel Toilet Paper. Due to the expected popularity of this product, this same size order will automatically ship to your shop every two weeks.

In case you have any questions we have set up a special email. Please email all questions or comments to toiletbowl@counciltravel.com .

The Products Department

Headline Of The Day

From USA Today:

"Ernesto Drops To Depression"

Well, of course he's depressed. He has failed as a hurricane. And all because mean of ol' Haiti.

Just For Comparison....

....this is the house now.....



....and this is how the house looked when we moved in two years ago. I think David has done an excellent job!

This Statement Is Baffling

I have been following Hurricane/Not Hurricane Ernesto today, and was completely baffled when I read this statement in USA Today online:

"The storm weakened from hurricane status back to tropical storm status due to interaction with Haiti on Sunday afternoon. "

Interaction with Haiti? What does that mean? Do the Haitian officials have some sort of power over the weather?

"Yes, this is Haiti, how can I help you? Oh.....I see. You wish to be a hurricane. Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry but that just isn't possible at this time. I'm sorry....yes, I understand that a tropical storm is not as attractive an option.....Yes......Mmm hhh.......Oh, I do understand, but really, it's important that you realize that we get literally hundreds of requests each year, and to give them all equal consideration would......What? Oh. Yes, I cetainly do understand your predicament Mr. Ernesto, but our decision is final. You may, of course, write a letter of protest to our National Assembly. However I must advise you that the chance of them overriding this decision is slim. Thank you Mr. Ernesto. Give our best to Florida. Good day, sir"

When Plants Attack (They Meet on The Deck)

You may well see this as just a pretty picture of some lovely plants and our little fountain. You might think that it would be a pleasant place to sit. Do not be fooled. These plants talk to each other in the night when they think we aren't paying attention. I have a "mole" that has infiltrated their group and I know for a fact that they have been in contact with both the Crepe Myrtle and The Ornamental Grass.

Ha! Stupid plants. They don't know that I know about them.

When Plants Attack (Front Yard Edition)

Meanwhile, in the Front Yard, the Ornamental grass has ceased being Ornamental and is now Domineering and Menacing.

When Plants Attack

I know that many of you live Out West where drought is a serious issue. Ryan has informed me that all of the plants in Dallas are dead. Well, maybe not all of them, but most of them. We have the opposite problem. We live in an Urban Jungle. I can stick most any plant in the dirt in the backyard and within two days it will be towering over our house.

If you don't believe me, here is a photo of the Crepe Myrtle in the backyard. Do you see how it is threataning to devour the Patio Set? Do you see how it is taller than the house? Do you understand that it taps on our windows at night?

We are waiting for fall, when David can trim it back. We are afraid to try it now, because it might retaliate.

Our Patio At Night

It was very beautiful out last night. I sat on the patio and watched the sun set. It sets very late here. There were lots of fireflies, and bats were flying out of the old trees in the cemetery. Right as the last light in the sky faded, a huge owl flew overhead!

I couldn't take a picture, because it was too dark, so I drew one instead.

Stupid Celebrity Tie-In

I would just like to point out that I went to High School with Merle Haggard's kids (Kelly and Marty), and Lisa Marie Presley's current husband (Mike Lockwood) . Oh, and Korn went to Highland High School in Bakersfield, CA. Where I went to High School, too. But, like, twenty years earlier.


But I still rock. Cali, dude. Haggards.....Korn (sort of).....and a tentative link to Elvis Presley.

And you all wonder why I don't brag about my home town......

Electric Six - Danger High Voltage

There is an octopus in this video. And a horse. And fine art. And a light-up codpiece. Need I say more?

Woo-Hoo! Dudes, Bro', Totally Trip On!

Corky Buttersmack says Trip On is the bomb! It rocks! It is the T-to-the-On-to-the-Bomb!

Hey Bro'! I'm Corky Buttersmack. Why don't you PAR-TAY with me and Council Travel ( I mean, STA Travel) this Spring Break?. Cuz', dude, all the fine LAY-DEEZ are down with the Corkster. Know what I mean?

Funny Picture Friday, It's Late, and I am Tired

I'm pretty sure only Dean will find this amusing. If you find this amusing, and you are not Dean, please let me know....

Funny Picture Friday, Numero Tres

This is the poster for a very famous Japanese movie. It is the sad tale of a young sailor who, while on leave in San Diego, has his rump burned by a flame-breathing Mascot.

It is called "O! Mai Assu Issu An Faya!". I think it might be by the famous Japanese director Tamae Kawasaki.



Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Guess what? I MADE THIS ONE TOO!

God, I am so damn funny.

Funny Picture Friday, Numero Dos

This is an ad for a new perfume that Elizabeth Taylor has developed. She has worked very hard to get the fragrance just right and, of course, the marketing campaign was extremely important.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Guess what? I MADE THIS PICTURE MYSELF!!!

You are very easily tricked.

Funny Picture Friday

I am going to post many of my favorite funny pictures. Guess what? I made some of them myself!

But I feel that I should let you know when I made a picture myself. You know, so that you won't be confused or tricked or anything.

Here is the first one:






Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This picture is very funny! Look! Liza has Gin and Hotdogs!

Guess what? I MADE THIS ONE MYSELF!!!

So funny....Liza with Gin and Hotdogs.....

Quote Of The Day

"I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it."
-- John Stuart Mill, letter to the Conservative MP, Sir John Pakington (March, 1866)

Justified And Ancient (Stand By The JAMs) - The KLF

I love this video and this song...It reminds me of a very happy time in my life...

I Crack Myself Up...

Oh my God! I made this ad, like, five years ago. And I still laugh everytime I look at it. Mary Queen of Scott Tissue? So funny......so funny............

A Random Picture That I Love

What is going on here? MJ flashes a peace sign, while a doped up Liz just strides on ahead. Surely a classic.

Pizza-Eating Skeleton Descending A Staircase

This is Nicole Ritchie. At first glance I thought it was Tauna Reneau, but then I realized that Tauna would never be seen eating in public. Then I felt bad because this is obviously a skeleton, and even a skeleton deserves better than to be compared to Tauna. You know, because skeletons have personalities and all.

Jasmine Guy - Another Like My Lover

And the winner for Best Mid-90's Dance Video Featuring Pirates is.....

Martika - Martika's kitchen

Well, I can't really claim that the 80's had the best videos. The 90's had some damn fine videos too. And so, I dedicate this blog post to Aaron Zweigle, David House, Dean Glass, Jeff Bates, Rick Zvehla, Andrea House, Paula White, Andy Cameron and everyone else that made San Diego such a great time for me!!!

Pretty Poison - Catch Me I'm Falling

And then, in 1987 I moved to Philadelphia, and this local band made it big. God, the 80's were so awesome...

Face to Face - 10, 9, 8,

Another great video and song from Boston in the 80's.

Face to Face - Under the Gun

Boston ruled in the 80's. Boston and LA were the coolest places and had the best bands. This is Face To Face...they were a local Boston band that I loved when I lived there.

Britney Can't Use A Straw

We all know she is dumb....but a straw? Not so technical, Brit.

Why I Hate Naropa

If you are from Colorado, you may have heard of Naropa University, in Boulder. Here is a partial listing of Bachelor's Degrees that Naropa offers, which should easily explain my utter contempt for them:

• Contemplative Spirituality and Western Psychology
• Body Psychology
• Psychology of Health and Healing
• Transpersonal and Humanistic Psychology
• Expressive Arts and Well-Being

For fun, imagine this future job interview with any Fortune 500 company:

"So, Miss O'Reilly-Klangengrippen, what is your degree in?"

"I have a BA in Expressive Arts and Well-Being from Naropa University in Boulder."

"Oh, I see. Well, thank you very much for your time. We'll get in touch with you if we are interested."

Why We Hate Mel Gibson

Why do we hate Mel Gibson? Do we hate him beacuse he got really, really drunk? No. Do we hate him because he groped girls half his age in an LA bar? No. Do we hate him because he was driving drunk? No. Do we hate him because he called a female cop "sugar tits"?. No. Do we hate him because he is anti-semitic? No.

No. No. And no.

We hate Mel Gibson because he is a pompous douche bag who makes really boring, stupid, pointless movies and spends all of his time talking about how great he is.

"The Passion of The Christ" is reason enough to put Mel behind bars for life.

My Hometown

This is a description of Bakersfield from the Urban Dictionary:

"With a population of nearly a half million, it is the third largest inland city in California. God knows why, it's a pretty horrible place, with summer (late May-late October) temperatures averaging in the high 90s and air quality that can practically disable you. Winter is short and usually doesn't get colder than 50 degrees in the daytime. Meth is as easily found as soda machines and getting drunk at parties in the middle of fields is a common Friday night activity. Housing used to be dirt-cheap, but as of recently it's increased drastically. Statistics show that every single day 10 people from LA move into Bakersfield. Ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall (Valley Plaza) so at any given time it is too crowded to take a breath. Much of the population are Mexicans that hop the border and invade town then clog the streets protesting their "deserved rights" when they are not even citizens. Areas of town are sort of defined by the high schools: South High (southside), East High (eastside) {don't walk the streets at night because you WILL get stabbed by a mexican gang}, North High (north) {A.K.A. Oildale- which isn't a city in itself, just a name for the trailer park/white trash part of town], West High (west) {if you want to get shot, eat at a taco bell}, Ridgeview High {out in the middle of fucking nowhere}. Then there are the snobby, rich schools around the Northwest/Southwest part of the city such as Centennial High, Liberty High, and Stockdale High. Liberty is home to the hottest, most shallow kids in the whole city. If you're not good-looking, you're invisible. Friday night high school football games rule many kids' lives. If you're not a jock, then you're going to be pretty fucking bored and will resort to devoting your life to the "hXc!" music scene. (Scene kids in Bakersfield are known to be pretentious jerks.) You will spend your every waking moment in the sweaty, roach-infested basement of Jerry's Pizza watching shitty local bands lose their voices."

So Very Boulder...

Could you find a sign that is any more Boulder than this one? "The plants are our friends...treat them as you would any other inhabitant of the universe...I'm a whiny-ass mountain-bike-ridin' granola wuss who thinks that if we all hold hands and recite the Naropa Manifesto the planet will magically transform itself into a haven for unicorns and patchouli-scented leprechauns."

Quote of The Day

"A current pejorative adjective is narcissistic. Generally, a narcissist is anyone better looking than you are, but lately the adjective is often applied to those 'liberals' who prefer to improve the lives of others rather than exploit them. Apparently, a concern for others is self-love at its least attractive, while greed is now a sign of the highest altruism. But then to reverse, periodically, the meanings of words is a very small price to pay for our vast freedom not only to conform but to consume."

- Gore Vidal

Mile High!

Look! David and I are One Mile High in Denver!! Aren't we clever? We are pointing at the Mile High marker. We are the very first people to ever think of this. Previous tourists probably just stood there like dumb-asses. But David and I thought of pointing at the Mile High marker. We are just that smart.

Pat Sue's House

This is Pat Sue's new house in Denver. It was built in 1884. It is 5 years older than Molly Brown's house. We went to the Molly Brown house. The tour was very nice. But Pat Sue's house is WAY better.