Weird Fact

I just found out that Joan Crawford's last husband, Alfred Steele, died the day that I was born, April 19, 1959.

Scary video

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Susan Hates Coming Home Late At Night Because Of The Bats And The Ants

Ryan Tries To Impart Wisdom To Others, But They Do Not Listen

Ryan went to a party on Friday night, where revelers foolishly decided to sample blue drinks. Being no stranger himself to the perils of blue drinks (a story for another time), Ryan tried to warn them. Here is a quote from Ryan's email to me:

"Well, I did my best to warn everyone about the inherent dangers of sampling a blue drink. However, I feel most just saw me as a doddering old man spouting nonsense. Alas... a little later many of those in attendance wished they had listened to the old man about the blue drinks. I mean, isn't it always best to listen to the sage advice of society's elders...?"


Yes. Yes, it is.

Girl Impaled By Fish Nose (Artist's Rendering)

A Lovely Appetizer You May Wish To Make For Your Next Party

This is Apple-Tuna Mousse, from my Low Calorie Cookbook. I won't give out the entire recipe, but I think it's important you know that it starts with lemon gelatin (of course).

The weird thing about the Low Calorie Cookbook is that most of the stuff is neither low-calorie nor healthy. For example, they have a recipe for a Root-Beer Float that calls for "low calorie root beer". But it still has the ice cream. Because it is clearly the root beer that will make you gain weight.

Many of the recipes also call for mysterious ingredients. One calls for "imitation cream cheese". That one is new to me. Another mentions "6 slices of diet toast".

Perhaps the worst recipes are the diet beverages. Did you ever think of making a drink consisting of vegetable juice cocktail, tea, cinnamon and oranges? I didn't think so.

Starbucks Wants To Help America Become the Whiniest Laziest Country On The Planet

From the AP:

"Starbucks Corp.'s recently announced goal of having 40,000 stores worldwide isn't just about spreading green awnings through middle America, the Middle East and other areas of the world not yet tempted by easy access to mocha Frappuccinos and pumpkin spice lattes.

The coffee chain's aggressive growth also hinges on what the company calls "infill" - adding stores in cities where its mermaid logo is already commonplace. In some cases, that means putting a Starbucks within a block of an existing store, if not closer.

"Going to the other side of the street can be a barrier," said Launi Skinner, senior vice president in charge of Starbucks' store development."

Yes, Americans, this is what you have come to. It is just too hard to cross the street.

Because You Are My Friend....

Pat Sue sent me this. It is the antidote to all of those horribly insipid smiley-face pass-this-on-to-ten-people emails that we all get. Usually from our Mom, our crazy Aunt, or our psychotically religious sister or sister-in-law.

Here it is:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I
get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. When you feel lonely -- Just call me and we'll go do something
(bring your wallet).

Headline Of The Day

From the Drudge Report:

"Madonna to defend adoption on Oprah.."

I really cannot think of any statement that sums up the implosion of American culture better than this.

Dancing Skeletons!

Joe And Lastenia Are Coming For A Visit!

It is now 12:23 am and so now it is official that Joe and Lastenia are coming for a visit ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!! YAY!!!

Because it is now Friday in Kentucky.

No matter what time zone you are in, it is a happy moment.

Here is a picture of them from one of their many, MANY visits:

David and I are very gracious hosts who have welcomed many a weary traveler into our home. We love guests and we love to shower them with Southern Hospitality.

Here is a list of people who have been gracious guests: Ryan Thebeau (multiple times), Kathleen Osborn (multiple times), Joe and Lastenia (multiple times), Julie Hazimi (lovely long stay), Janet Whalen-Jones (delightful personal stay plus one and a half "stays by proxy" due to family members), Aaron Zweigle (one lovely stay but could have made a better effort for a repeat visit).

For those who have not visited (and you know who you are), I think that the afterlife involves a waitlist for a booth at Hooters.

Girl Impaled By Fish Nose Struggles To Regain Voice

Hah!

More proof that I am (as usual) right!

That whole Leaping Stingray thing reminded me of another story and I went and looked it up. The headline above is real. I did not make it up. From the St Petersburg Times , May 21, 2000:

" Stephanie is the 17-year-old Sickles High School junior who was stabbed in the neck by a sharp-nosed houndfish while snorkeling at Big Pine Key....

Now she faces weeks of speech therapy and maybe more surgery to improve her faltering voice.

Stephanie was standing in chest-deep water when a houndfish flew out of the water and stabbed her in the neck with its spearlike nose. The fish's barbed bill broke off in her neck and had to be surgically removed."

Aaagghhh!

They ARE after us! Did you see what it said? The stupid pointy-nosed fish "flew" out of the water!

Next time I get on a boat I am going to wear my Pointy-nosed Fish Neck Guard and a Stingray-Proof vest. Especially in Big Pine Key which I have visited and will visit again because Janet lives there. Oh great, another thing to worry about at Janet's. She already has snakes and geckos and alligators. Now I have to worry about flying Pointy-Nosed Fish as well.

Also do you realize that this Stephanie will spend the rest of her life known as "Girl Impaled By Fish Nose"?

Although it may only be kind of awkward in English. It's probably a really pretty name in Eskimo or Cherokee or Hawaiian or something.

"Hi, I'm Stan! What's your name?"

"Elikamelimala."

"Oh, that's pretty! I've never heard that name before"

"It's Hawaiian"

"Really, does it mean anything?"

"Girl Impaled By Fish Nose"

"Oh, I see...Can I call you Ellie?"

It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Stabbed In The Chest By A Stingray

From USA Today:

"An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stabbed him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said."

This is ridiculous. First Crocodile Hunter Guy, and now this. Now we don't even have to bother them. They are leaping onto boats to kill us.

This reminds me of why I will never go snorkeling again. I thought I would love it. I love aquariums. I love watching the happy denizens of the sea frolick about. Sometimes I get so close to the glass that my nose almost touches it, and sometimes the happy marine denizens come right up to me.

I thought I would love snorkeling.

The minute I got in the water I realized my mistake.

THERE WAS NO GLASS!!!!

Not only was there no glass, there wasn't anything bewteen me and the vicious marine raptors that were now trying to devour my flesh and leave a sad skeleton floating in the Blue Caribbean.

And who the hell knows what really lurks down there? At one point my legs were dangling between two rock outcroppings with cave-like holes in it. God knows what might come out of those caves to rip my leg off. Or legs, if they live in pairs. Which I am sure marine raptors do. Live in pairs. They probably mate for life and spend their twilight years entertaining their great-grandkids with gruesome stories about all of the stupid snorkelers' legs they ripped off and ate.

I spent the rest of the adventure un-snorkeling by laying on my back with my legs pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around me so that the marine raptors couldn't dismember me. Then I realized that probably made me look like a big seal or some other floaty sea mammal that a shark would just love to chomp on.

So I went back to the boat. I swear to God that if I had known that stingrays were likely to jump out of the water and stab me in the chest I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Most of the other snorkelers came back all excited about the beautiful sea life they had seen. You've seen pictures of that type of thing one too many times. But you have probably never seen pictures of what snorkeling is REALLY like. Since there are no photos of the grim reality that I saw, I have produced this very lifelike picture of the vicious world beneath the waves.

The Halloween Parade Begins!

This is how the Halloween Parade started. This scary skull zoomed around and around and came right up to us!

We were very scared because we couldn't figure out how a Giant Skull could zoom around on its own and do wheelies and doughnuts and stuff and zoom right up to us then zoom away really fast.

How did they do that?

Scary.

Ready For Halloween!

David and Kelsea are ready for Halloween! Here they are waiting for the Halloween Parade to start. It was on Friday the 13th! How perfect is that? The parade went right down Baxter so we had the very best location for viewing.

Everybody was in a Halloween mood, and there were many costumes to be seen.

In All Fairness To Dean, Although I Don't Really Give A Flying Fuck About Fairness

Anyway. This is a photo circa 1993 or 1994 or 1995.

Really, boys, don't bother us with details like years. We were busy, you know. Very, very busy.

So, this one year, David House thought that we should go as a Girl Group. You know, like the Supremes, but much, much better.

So here is me, David House, and Aaron, getting ready to go out on Halloween

And David House was right: We were much, MUCH better.

Is There Really A War On Christmas? If Not, I Want To Start It

I normally love Big Lots. They always have lots of fun Halloween stuff. I have bought many a scary item there. This year I bought a scary Tiki mask and a realistic spider web with four realistically scary spiders.

And so, what with Halloween being almost three weeks away, I went there the day before yesterday to pick up some more scary Halloween stuff.

But I could not.

Why?

Because fully one half of the fucking store was filled with Christmas Crap, that's why! Halloween was gone.

Does anyone besides me know that Christmas is, like, two and a half fucking months away?

Oh! Oh! I can hear you asking me: "Oh, Greg , what about Thanksgiving?"

Well, America, Thanksgiving has been told to Stuff It.

Seriously, if there is a War on Christmas, I want to enlist. I am beginning to hate Christmas, which, what with it being the "Peace On Earth Good Will Toward Man" season is not, NOT, a good sign.

But I am a reasonable man. I will not enlist in the War On Christmas if they will agree to limit Christmas to every other year.

I think that is fair.

This Just In

From Reuters:

"The TSA also recommends, but no longer requires, that the label on prescription medications match the passenger's boarding bass."

Well, that's a relief. I often traveled with a prescription that didn't match my boarding bass. In fact, my prescription rarely matched the fish with which I was flying. Halibut were a particular problem. I once spent 3 hours at a TSA checkpoint because my prescription for Singulair didn't match my boarding halibut.

Dean Gets His Wish

Dean recently complained to me that there were not enough pictures of him on my blog. I am always happy to oblige my friends, and so I give you.......Dean!

Dean As Dead Jackie-O

Janet Could Use Some Advice

Janet and Dennis are heading off to Costa Rica next month for a much-deserved vacation. If any of you have some good advice for people who are visiting Costa Rica for the first time, please feel free to post your comments. They will be renting a Jeep in San Jose, and taking off into the wilderness.

If any of you have any advice as to how I can get a trip to Costa Rica without paying for it, please feel free to post a comment as well.

Pat Sue Is Vindicated

20 years ago, Pat Sue's life as a coach's wife led her to Lawrence, KS. She has always said that Kansas is the most horrible place on Earth. So I imagine that she took some personal satisfaction in sending me this illustrated proof that The Gods Hate Kansas.

Is It Any Wonder That I, Kathleen, and PatSue Are Bitter?

These pictures are from a 1950 article in Mechanix Illustrated. It describes in detail what life will be like in 2000 AD. I would like to point out that I do not have the luxury of hosing down my furniture. And I am not quite sure if an "electronic stove" is the same as a microwave. 75 seconds to cook a dinner is awfully fast, even by microwave standards. But the "electronic stove" is much bigger than a microwave, so maybe it is also much faster. I like the slot where you insert the food.

The article also goes on in much detail about how the denizens of 2000 AD will all be flying to work in their private helicopters. Once again, at the risk of sounding (more) bitter, I must point out that I do not have a helicopter.

Quote Of The Day

I read this on the Huffington Post. So true, oh, so true.

***************************************************
Stupidity as charisma

"It's the "Forest Gumping" of America...the idea that the terminally stupid are more honest, or wiser. It used to be that people wanted the "best and brightest" for our highest offices. How far we have slipped since then. It might be the downfall of our democracy that the votes of the deliberately uninformed count as much as those who seek knowledge and facts. "

By: dawlishgal on October 10, 2006 at 03:09pm

Pueblo, The Home of Heroes

I went to find a picture of Pueblo, CO, which is Pat Sue's home town. I went to the official website for the city of Pueblo, and this is the picture they have on the front page:



This sign must be very important to the Pueblonians (Pueblites? Pueblians? Pueblotards?), because it is the only big picture on the front page of their site.

For an eyewitness description of Pueblo, please read Miss Alexis Gentry's account of her visit to the The Home of Heroes

Stupid Job Title

I just saw a job listing for a "Restaurant Team Member".

Or, as I like to call it, "Cashier In A Pizza Parlor".

Good grief.

Ryan Is An Over-Achiever

Ryan made a list of ten. In each category. I asked for five.

Here they are:

USA

Kingman, AZ

Trinidad, CO

Salina, KS

Florence, KY

Joplin, MO

Salem, MO

Clayton, NM

McAlester, OK

Muskogee, OK

Reading, PA

INTL

Genet, France

Limerick, Ireland

L'escala, Spain

Narita, Japan

Okazaki, Japan

Nakornsrithamarrit, Thailand

Trang, Thailand

Puerto Iguazu, Argentina

Puerto Maldonado, Peru

Aswan, Egypt

Tower Records: RIP

I don't know about the rest of you, but the demise of Tower Records makes me really sad.

Tower was the epitome of cool in the 80's. I bought a lot of vinyl from them in Boston and Philadelphia. Even into the 90's they were on the cutting edge of the music scene. I knew people who worked for them in San Diego and San Francisco, and I always felt that I was part of the "in crowd" because I got to mingle with them.

The store on South Street in Philadelphia was particularly important to me. It was where I first heard Sinead O'Connor, Sade, Swing Out Sister, Soul II Soul, Big Pig, and Simply Red. It was where I bought new releases from the B52's and Kate Bush.

Tower was also a focal point of my life in Chicago. During the many bleak months when I was bored and alone and winter seemed interminable, I went down to the Tower Records in Lincoln Park to listen to the latest music.

For those of us of a Certain Age (and you know who you are), Tower was like iTunes and Napster combined.

And so I bid a fond farewell to the Tower Stores that I frequented: Good-bye Tower of Boston, Philadelphia, New Orleans, Chicago, San Francisco, San Diego and LA.

Good-bye and Thank You

Kelsea Is NOT Scary

I tried to take a Scary Halloween Picture of Kelsea on the porch swing with IKEA Bat and Flat Pumpkin Pillow but she was not very cooperative. So instead of a Scary Halloween Picture of Kelsea I have a Bored and Annoyed Halloween Picture of Kelsea.

Why do dogs hate holidays?

Really Scary!

See! Up close, Pumpkin Head Scarecrow With Head And Arm That Move is even scarier than you thought! I'll bet you would think twice before coming up on MY porch.

Scary!

I also have a scary Pumpkin Head Scarecrow that David bought me two years ago as a surprise. And it was a VERY good surprise. What could be better than a scary Pumpkin Head Scarecrow? Oh, I know! The Pumpkin Head Scarecrow could move his head and arm when you turn him on!

And mine does! At night I can turn him on and he moves and I can turn a porch light on and people can see him and be very scared!

Walk The Plank!

This is a semi-blurry close-up of my Haunted Pirate Ship. Look! The Pirate Captain is making someone walk the plank! ARRRGGGHH! Shiver me timbers! Avast, me hearties!

AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH!

Haunted Pirate Ship

This is my Haunted Pirate Ship. David bought it for me last year as a surprise. It was a VERY good surprise! What could be better than a Haunted Pirate Ship? Oh, I know! It would be a Haunted Pirate Ship that when you turn it on it lights up and it rocks back and forth just like it is sailing o'er a storm-tossed sea and it plays Pirate Music and in the background you can hear Pirates singing "15 men on a dead man's chest, yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!".

And that is what my Haunted Pirate Ship does! Yes, it does all of the above! I put it on the porch so if I turn it up real loud the neighbors can hear the Pirates!

I'll bet they like that....

Next Time You Feel Crowded...

Think about this Mexico City suburb. You will probably feel as lucky as I do.

Watch Out Truck! A T Rex Is Going To Eat You!

OK, Kentucky does have a few tacky roadside items. But I happen to like this one. I always approve of giant dinosaurs. Especially when they are trying to eat a big truck. I hate big trucks. They make driving on the interstates scary and nerve-wracking. I wish giant dinosaurs were stationed all along America's highways, darting out of nowhere to devour trucks and their stupid drivers.

Saturday Night Travelogue

Right when you enter Tennessee from Kentucky, you are inundated with signs for roadside fireworks and tacky souvenir stands. Kentucky is very concerned with the beauty of the countryside, and billboards are banned for the most part. Not so Tennessee. This is the type of sign you see about every three feet.

And This Is Dean's Hometown

Dean is a San Diego native, which is rather rare. I think he may even be second generation.

Ryan's Hometown, Dallas, TX

I'm not sure how current this photo is, but it is definitely Dallas. This is where Ryan lives now, and where he grew up and went to high school.

David Has A List Of Domestic Hotels

1. Madisonville, KY

2. Menomonee Falls, WI

3. New Smyrna Beach, FL

4. Saugatuck, MI

5. Wapakoneta, OH

Note: I think David's #5 is one of the worst. He was sent on a business trip to Wapakoneta. He swears that there were no more than three buildings downtown. The nearest "big" city was Lima, OH. Look it up on a map. Pretty horrible.

And Now Joe Has Sent Me His Hotel List

International
(formerly east) Berlin, Germany
Sorrento, Italy
Isle of Skye or Inverness, Scotland UK (tossup between the two)
Guayaquil, Ecuador
Winnipeg, Canada

Domestic
North Hudson, New York
Milford, Mass.
St.Augustine, FL
Durango, CO
Portland, Maine

Here Is Pat Sue's International Hotel List

1. Havana, Cuba
2.Sofia, Bulgaria
3. Varna, Bulgaria
4. Vilinius, Lithuania
5. Malaga, Spain

Giving alcohol a bad name

This is Wanda Sykes' take on the Mark Foley alcoholism claim. Today I read of a new term: "rehabracadabra". This refers to the magic ability of rehab to cure any sin. No matter what trangression you may have committed, simply claim that you are an alcoholic (or addcited to painkillers, or whatever substance you may prefer) and Voila! You get a nice rest far from the prying eyes of the media. And you get to play the victim card, thus absolving yourself of any guilt.

Lexington, Ky Thriller '05

I had the pleasure of seeing this when we lived in Lexington. They do it every Halloween. Everyone in it is a volunteer and they practice for weeks beforehand. Then on Halloween night, we all go downtown and run along the street with the zombies and ghouls and Michael Jackson. Great fun!

Kathleen's List

For those of you who don't read the comments here is Kathleen's Hotel List:

1. Tucumcarry, NM
2. Gila Bend, AZ
3. Grants Pass, OR
4. Athens, GA
5. Barstow, CA


International

1. Bickley, UK
2. Amersham, UK
3. Plzen, Czech Republic
4. Cksky Budjovice, Czech Republic
5. Czestochowa, Poland


Two notes: I , too, have stayed in Tucumcarry and I think her last three must be really poor towns because apparently they can't afford to buy a vowel.